I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...

Mood:  zooooooooooooombie


...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...


One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often:  "please forgive this."


If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this.  "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening.  I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails.  There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.


So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage.  I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage.  I kid.  He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours.  I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30.  Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed.  I think I was out by 9.  


I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good.  Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.


Was is the operative word.  


Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...


My parents always supported me in everything I did.  Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%.  Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted.  Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want.  That's a great way to treat a kid.  And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests.  The thing is...it leaves me...well...


I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I feel way behind the curve.  Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering.  I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).  


If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you.  I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly?  I haven't the foggiest.


Again, please forgive this.


It's just...I'm good at a ton of things.  I work retail efficiently, politely, and well.  I am epic with kids.  Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving.  These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career?  I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.


I know it involves allowing me to be creative.  There's writing.  There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday.  Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work. 


This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today.  Yes, 2 hours.  It was for cosmetic sales.  I love cosmetics.  I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother.  I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting.  I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman.  So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.


It was not.  The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me.  They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment.  They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person.  Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics.  While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27.  If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart.  Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.


I know people find their dream careers.  The position that fulfills them.  But do they find it at the expense of other things?  Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?


I'm not sure.  I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities.  I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder.  But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well.  As to how to make that happen?  I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out.  And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it.  From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).


I trust that I'll figure out where I fit.  If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible.  Wish me luck!

Hello, My Name is....

Current Mood:  blissfully happy...and exhausted

...Ashley....and here goes...

If you followed me here from my old blog, thank you.

If you randomly found this blog and decided to read it, again, thank you.  

I've been blogging on and off for about 2 years.  Only the last year has been with any consistency or regularity and I have to say that it has been truly humbling to watch my words impact change in myself and others.  

So here's a little about  me if you haven't read my blogs before:

I write about things that I do everyday.  Like pretty much every other blogger.  I'm not a food blogger.  I have very few crafting tips, and I certainly am not a major fashion blogger.  I love make-up but am sadly NOT an expert, and I honestly blog for personal fulfillment.  

My last blog was a challenge to myself to see how often I could do "nice" things for myself.  Once said thing had been done, I would blog about it...sometimes adding photographic evidence of me being nice to me.

The philosophy behind the blog is simple.  For a lot of us right now, life is hard.  We're facing massive economic uncertainty, a war torn world, injustice, intolerance, and a myriad of personal struggles.  With all of this on our hearts on a daily basis, how do we go about finding some peace?  How do we live in joy?  How can we manage to smile knowing there are teenagers dying over being bullied?  There are people who have never tasted clean water.  There are children for whom an education is quite literally only in their dreams.  

We start small.  We acknowledge we live in an uncomfortable world.  We don't forget the faces, the names, the stories...but we also don't forget to live our own lives.  

What feels like a life-time ago I worked in long-term care.  I once held the hand of a dying resident.  She took her last breath while I was in the room with her.  I remember crying to my mother, and telling her how hard the process had been for me.  I become so obsessed with her dying that the next few days all I could think was "why bother?"  Everything seemed so insignificant compared to the weight of life.  And I remember my mother telling me that the best testament to a life lost, is a life well lived.

A few months later I started my "nice" things blog.  Things sucked.  Life will end one day.  And I needed a reminder that just because the previous two statements are true doesn't mean that I can't be happy.  And that I can't live a good life.  In fact, if anything, it means that I NEED to live a good life.  A happy life.  A life full of living simply, loving, learning, and being open to opportunities as they come.

Which brings me to this new blog.

8 months into writing my blog about taking chances, allowing myself to live, and taking good care of myself I met the man to whom I am now married.  Granted, it's only been 8 days of marriage, but they've been some incredibly amazing days (it doesn't hurt that 5 of them were spent in the Caribbean...).

It seemed fitting to me that with a new man (men really...he comes with a son!!!!), a new name, and a new location...a new blog was in order.  

I have no idea what this blog will be.  A little bit of food.  A little bit of crafting.  A little bit of fashion and make-up.  A little bit of thought.  But mostly, this blog will chronicle my journey into married life.  Into motherhood (I'm learning as I go).  This blog is a blog about loving my life, the people in it, the simple things, and the lessons life teaches you if you are open to learning.

My last blog was a lesson in humility, and I have no doubt that this one will be the same.  But I don't want to limit this blog into one category or niche.  It's a blog about life...aren't they all? 

It's a blog about my life.  

Welcome.  And enjoy!

And as my photographic evidence of doing nice things, a little preview from the honeymoon!