I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...

Mood:  zooooooooooooombie


...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...


One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often:  "please forgive this."


If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this.  "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening.  I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails.  There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.


So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage.  I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage.  I kid.  He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours.  I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30.  Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed.  I think I was out by 9.  


I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good.  Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.


Was is the operative word.  


Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...


My parents always supported me in everything I did.  Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%.  Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted.  Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want.  That's a great way to treat a kid.  And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests.  The thing is...it leaves me...well...


I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I feel way behind the curve.  Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering.  I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).  


If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you.  I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly?  I haven't the foggiest.


Again, please forgive this.


It's just...I'm good at a ton of things.  I work retail efficiently, politely, and well.  I am epic with kids.  Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving.  These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career?  I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.


I know it involves allowing me to be creative.  There's writing.  There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday.  Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work. 


This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today.  Yes, 2 hours.  It was for cosmetic sales.  I love cosmetics.  I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother.  I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting.  I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman.  So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.


It was not.  The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me.  They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment.  They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person.  Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics.  While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27.  If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart.  Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.


I know people find their dream careers.  The position that fulfills them.  But do they find it at the expense of other things?  Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?


I'm not sure.  I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities.  I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder.  But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well.  As to how to make that happen?  I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out.  And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it.  From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).


I trust that I'll figure out where I fit.  If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible.  Wish me luck!