Wednesday....

Mood:  emotionless


I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time.  It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight.  Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody.  As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.


Some of the times were happier than tonight.  Some were far, far sadder.  It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me.  I FEEL it.  I know it's pain and it's hopefulness.  It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...


It's a hard song to describe for me.  I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song?  It just fits right now.


The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...

The scars run deep inside this tattooed body, there's things I'll take to my grave.  But I'm okay.  I'm okay.  It's been a long hard road without you by my side.  Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried....it's not okay, but it's alright.

Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to.  Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended.  At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.  

And yes, I'm okay.  Honestly.  Some days rule.  Some days suck.  Some days are just days to get through.  The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.  


Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.

Bueller? Bueller?

Mood:  contemplative




The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog."  And he's right.  Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.  It's been quite some time.  When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day.  So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.  


It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am.  But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment.  Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.


Sometimes I blog about happy things.  Sometimes I blog about sad things.  Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am.  Or that hope is always just a thought away.


Today?  I have nothing of importance to blog about.  My life is...a mess at best right now.  Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all.  I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting.  But my day looks pretty much like this every day...


5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home


Then there's dinner and tv or random movies.  And bed.  Literally.  Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there.  And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine.  I like having a schedule.  I like a certain amount of predictability.  But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.


My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair.  But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it.  It's not all mine to write.  Or tell.  


As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today.  And as it will be tomorrow.  Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other.  We discover another common interest, or set a new goal.  We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together.  And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means.  I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover.  I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.


I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it.  Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."  


Stop and look.  See what's happening around you.  Life...it's worth living.  Every single day.

Next Step...

Mood:  "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."




Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4.  Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax.  Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.


That was the day I dreamed about.  That was not, however, the way my day went.  I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff.  An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family.  I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.  


For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work.  I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying.  Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff.  It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side.  And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.


I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations.  The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.  


It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written.  I need it out.  And the journal just didn't do it for me.


I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing.  With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation. 


While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously.  I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...


Only today, I lost hope.  Truly.  I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited.  I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger.  And they've come back to haunt me already...twice.  I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.


I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second.  It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.  


But I don't want to.  I have a life I've worked hard to build.  A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard.  A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today.  A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love.  And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.


With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is.  And I do mean my very next step.  One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear.  The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings.  And then the next?  I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing.  Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do.  And no idea what I want to do. 


I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet.  I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.


Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other.  One breath in and out.  And trust that we know what we're doing.

Just Dance...

Mood:  nostalgic


No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.


The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world.  The Barbie that you just HAD to have.  The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me.  The jeans I couldn't quite fit into.  The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers.  The lack of attention from males.  The desire to be kissed.  The longing for a boyfriend.  The having the first boyfriend.  The primping before prom.


Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all.  I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.


The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own.  Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready.  I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily.  I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...


I still feel like that lost little girl.  Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair.  The one who had never been kissed.  The one who still has never had a Valentine.


I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?  


I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant.  Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me.  And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent.  Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?


I've been married for just under 4 months.  And I couldn't be happier.  But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.


I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions.  And doubts.  And fears.  I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.  


I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably.  She keeps me humble.  And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...




What really matters, though, is who I am today.  Who I will  be tomorrow.  And who I know I can be.  


Who I want to be.  


I'll get there.  In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream.  And honestly?  I think that's exactly how it should be.  

3 Day Weekend

Mood:  relaxed


I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband.  It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated.  And it flew by...


Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am.  When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman.  Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them.  We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom.  I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is.  Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year.  Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours.  Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.


Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am.  When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner.  Chili and potato soup...yummy.  We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents.  It was quite the haul under the tree this year...

Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game.  With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point!  Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.


Today we did laundry.  All day.  We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.  


I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...

...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband.  Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season.  Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts.  And perhaps it just never will this year.  It's okay.


I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family.  I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.  


I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next!  Happy Holidays from Iowa!

Transformers

Mood:  "more than meets the eye..." seriously though, I feel transformed


*Disclaimer*  This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers


When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical.  I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday.  The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.


I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products.  The skincare line, the hair care...amazing.  When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon.  It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot.  More than I'd care to admit right now.  As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build.  The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.  


So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses.  And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done.  On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog.  I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home.  As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines.  Ummmm....fate much?


So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever.  Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is?  Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting.  You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins.  Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.



I had 2 hours of complete bliss.  Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed.  And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed.  Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!  


Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):

and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:

Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first.  And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.


Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland.  And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead.  I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!

"This is Because..."

Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."


In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11.  Let me tell you how I spent this day.


I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him.  I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady.  I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work.  When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there.  I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me.  With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed.  Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband!  So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.


That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work.  I started to feel...off...then.  And it's only gotten worse.  I did 2 loads of laundry.  I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy.  I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out.  I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out.  I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.  


However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music.  The universal language.


When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine.  Listen to music.  Music speaks when I can't.  Then I write.  Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right.  If that still doesn't work I write more.  I draw and color prayers.  I read.  I think.  I allow myself to feel.


Anyway.  So I did the whole listening to music thing.  I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile.  Talk about a backfire.  Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night.  The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional.  Jeff and I used:

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder

Maybe - Everlast

Marry You - Bruno Mars

Love Story - Taylor Swift

Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty

As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music.  The song was a no-brainer since  I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it.  It wouldn't go away.  I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."

The blog title and mood are taken from the song.  One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate.  I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it.  The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me.  It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself.  Tonight is one of those nights.  This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.

Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.

I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times.  They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show.  It's a 10 minute song.  Every time I've seen them live, they've played it.  Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played.  And I smiled.  The song has such emotional ties for me.  It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch.  I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships.  Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly.  Others?  Not so much.

I had a best friend once.  I don't befriend women easily.  We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down.  So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up?  I embrace them with everything I have.  I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse.  If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give.  That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again.  I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.

As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her.  Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person.  I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway.  Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently.  Or better.  Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.  

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen.  I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do.  I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling.  So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband.  Goodbye 11-11-11.   

 

"My Wife, the Cheap Date"

Mood:  grateful...nostalgic




The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night.  On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life.  This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date.  However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business.  Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.




While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up.  I mean...really grow up.  I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now).  The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me.  Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES!  It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.


I love working with kids.  I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still.  Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated?  Of course.  But I'm still happy.  I love the kids I work with and for.  And the daycare center is amazing.  And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is.  How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.


Here's why.  The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes.  Last night's date also served to drive that point home.  Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday.  And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense.  Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details.  It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen.  It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter.  These are the moments that make life...well...life.  And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family.  You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that.  Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.  


These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless.  Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe.  And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.  


My parents are missing out on being grandparents.  They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers.  They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because.  The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day.  If only for the fact that they aren't shared.  


Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement.  Not miserable...sad.  Nostalgic definitely.  Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast.  Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table. 


This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy.  Jeff and I decided a date was in order.  And this is how the blog came to be.  Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged.  In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do.  2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy.  Drunk?  Nope.  Buzzed?  Perhaps.  Happy and loose lipped?  Definitely.  


It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week.  Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date.  Do I miss my family?  More than I can say.  Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there?  Far too many to count.  But I really can't complain about life right now.  It's pretty sweet.  And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....

I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...

Mood:  zooooooooooooombie


...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...


One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often:  "please forgive this."


If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this.  "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening.  I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails.  There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.


So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage.  I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage.  I kid.  He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours.  I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30.  Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed.  I think I was out by 9.  


I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good.  Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.


Was is the operative word.  


Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...


My parents always supported me in everything I did.  Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%.  Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted.  Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want.  That's a great way to treat a kid.  And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests.  The thing is...it leaves me...well...


I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I feel way behind the curve.  Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering.  I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).  


If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you.  I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly?  I haven't the foggiest.


Again, please forgive this.


It's just...I'm good at a ton of things.  I work retail efficiently, politely, and well.  I am epic with kids.  Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving.  These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career?  I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.


I know it involves allowing me to be creative.  There's writing.  There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday.  Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work. 


This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today.  Yes, 2 hours.  It was for cosmetic sales.  I love cosmetics.  I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother.  I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting.  I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman.  So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.


It was not.  The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me.  They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment.  They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person.  Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics.  While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27.  If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart.  Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.


I know people find their dream careers.  The position that fulfills them.  But do they find it at the expense of other things?  Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?


I'm not sure.  I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities.  I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder.  But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well.  As to how to make that happen?  I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out.  And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it.  From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).


I trust that I'll figure out where I fit.  If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible.  Wish me luck!

Hello, My Name is....

Current Mood:  blissfully happy...and exhausted

...Ashley....and here goes...

If you followed me here from my old blog, thank you.

If you randomly found this blog and decided to read it, again, thank you.  

I've been blogging on and off for about 2 years.  Only the last year has been with any consistency or regularity and I have to say that it has been truly humbling to watch my words impact change in myself and others.  

So here's a little about  me if you haven't read my blogs before:

I write about things that I do everyday.  Like pretty much every other blogger.  I'm not a food blogger.  I have very few crafting tips, and I certainly am not a major fashion blogger.  I love make-up but am sadly NOT an expert, and I honestly blog for personal fulfillment.  

My last blog was a challenge to myself to see how often I could do "nice" things for myself.  Once said thing had been done, I would blog about it...sometimes adding photographic evidence of me being nice to me.

The philosophy behind the blog is simple.  For a lot of us right now, life is hard.  We're facing massive economic uncertainty, a war torn world, injustice, intolerance, and a myriad of personal struggles.  With all of this on our hearts on a daily basis, how do we go about finding some peace?  How do we live in joy?  How can we manage to smile knowing there are teenagers dying over being bullied?  There are people who have never tasted clean water.  There are children for whom an education is quite literally only in their dreams.  

We start small.  We acknowledge we live in an uncomfortable world.  We don't forget the faces, the names, the stories...but we also don't forget to live our own lives.  

What feels like a life-time ago I worked in long-term care.  I once held the hand of a dying resident.  She took her last breath while I was in the room with her.  I remember crying to my mother, and telling her how hard the process had been for me.  I become so obsessed with her dying that the next few days all I could think was "why bother?"  Everything seemed so insignificant compared to the weight of life.  And I remember my mother telling me that the best testament to a life lost, is a life well lived.

A few months later I started my "nice" things blog.  Things sucked.  Life will end one day.  And I needed a reminder that just because the previous two statements are true doesn't mean that I can't be happy.  And that I can't live a good life.  In fact, if anything, it means that I NEED to live a good life.  A happy life.  A life full of living simply, loving, learning, and being open to opportunities as they come.

Which brings me to this new blog.

8 months into writing my blog about taking chances, allowing myself to live, and taking good care of myself I met the man to whom I am now married.  Granted, it's only been 8 days of marriage, but they've been some incredibly amazing days (it doesn't hurt that 5 of them were spent in the Caribbean...).

It seemed fitting to me that with a new man (men really...he comes with a son!!!!), a new name, and a new location...a new blog was in order.  

I have no idea what this blog will be.  A little bit of food.  A little bit of crafting.  A little bit of fashion and make-up.  A little bit of thought.  But mostly, this blog will chronicle my journey into married life.  Into motherhood (I'm learning as I go).  This blog is a blog about loving my life, the people in it, the simple things, and the lessons life teaches you if you are open to learning.

My last blog was a lesson in humility, and I have no doubt that this one will be the same.  But I don't want to limit this blog into one category or niche.  It's a blog about life...aren't they all? 

It's a blog about my life.  

Welcome.  And enjoy!

And as my photographic evidence of doing nice things, a little preview from the honeymoon!