I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body, there's things I'll take to my grave. But I'm okay. I'm okay. It's been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried....it's not okay, but it's alright.
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged. Unacceptable.
So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.
I'm still loving my job teaching preschool. It's so fun! Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around. I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two. Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it. A lot.
The husband has just accepted a new job. He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity. He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.
We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us. Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son. We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more. Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude. Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm. It was wonderful. We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic. To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.
It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy. I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I. Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss. My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.
This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have. As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am. I hope you are able to feel the same!
Mood: "is this just fantasy?" exhausted...happy...motivated
When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life. She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses." She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent. Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on. She hugged and laughed and played with her students. I've never forgotten her. Or the impact she had on my life. So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be that teacher. The one that made a difference. The one that people remember fondly years later.
22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center. I applied for the position for a few reasons. The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children. So...daycare it was. When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center. The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident. The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.
Which brings me to today. The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill. I was the lucky one who got to fill in. Those kids made my entire week. Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome. As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher. I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.
Which got me thinking. It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself. It's every day that I wake up. I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff. Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married. I am a mommy. I am a member of a new family. And now? I am a teacher. I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children. Of preparing them for school. It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.
As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling. I am so insanely blessed. I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.
The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night. On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life. This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date. However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business. Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.
While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up. I mean...really grow up. I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now). The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me. Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES! It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.
I love working with kids. I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still. Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated? Of course. But I'm still happy. I love the kids I work with and for. And the daycare center is amazing. And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is. How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.
Here's why. The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes. Last night's date also served to drive that point home. Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday. And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense. Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details. It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen. It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter. These are the moments that make life...well...life. And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family. You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that. Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.
These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless. Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe. And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.
My parents are missing out on being grandparents. They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers. They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because. The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day. If only for the fact that they aren't shared.
Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement. Not miserable...sad. Nostalgic definitely. Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast. Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table.
This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy. Jeff and I decided a date was in order. And this is how the blog came to be. Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged. In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do. 2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy. Drunk? Nope. Buzzed? Perhaps. Happy and loose lipped? Definitely.
It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week. Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date. Do I miss my family? More than I can say. Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there? Far too many to count. But I really can't complain about life right now. It's pretty sweet. And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....
There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do. Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of. And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.
Here's what went down. He got himself in trouble on the playground. While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically. As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source. I squatted and asked if he was okay. He was not. He missed his mommy. I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy. There was not. I told him I would be there if he changed his mind. He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."
It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too. And it hit me hard.
It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at. I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility. I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day. I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out. Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office. So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.
And I could not be more in love with the stepson. Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.
Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more. There are big things happening right now. And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things. We can't meet for lunch if we have time. I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.
When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded. It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals. He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted. I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away. "How far away?" Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away. He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."
I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away. An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.
It sucks to grow up. There are some really awesome perks. Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better. Having a (step)son? Can't even describe how awesome it is. Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...
I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids. And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia. And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier. And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family. And especially my Mommy sometimes. Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy. The little boy knew this. And I knew this. And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore.
(this picture was mommy performing the Celtic salt ceremony...which we did instead of a unity candle...at our wedding)
