Just Dance...

Mood:  nostalgic


No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.


The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world.  The Barbie that you just HAD to have.  The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me.  The jeans I couldn't quite fit into.  The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers.  The lack of attention from males.  The desire to be kissed.  The longing for a boyfriend.  The having the first boyfriend.  The primping before prom.


Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all.  I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.


The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own.  Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready.  I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily.  I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...


I still feel like that lost little girl.  Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair.  The one who had never been kissed.  The one who still has never had a Valentine.


I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?  


I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant.  Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me.  And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent.  Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?


I've been married for just under 4 months.  And I couldn't be happier.  But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.


I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions.  And doubts.  And fears.  I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.  


I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably.  She keeps me humble.  And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...




What really matters, though, is who I am today.  Who I will  be tomorrow.  And who I know I can be.  


Who I want to be.  


I'll get there.  In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream.  And honestly?  I think that's exactly how it should be.  

"This is Because..."

Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."


In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11.  Let me tell you how I spent this day.


I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him.  I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady.  I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work.  When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there.  I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me.  With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed.  Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband!  So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.


That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work.  I started to feel...off...then.  And it's only gotten worse.  I did 2 loads of laundry.  I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy.  I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out.  I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out.  I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.  


However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music.  The universal language.


When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine.  Listen to music.  Music speaks when I can't.  Then I write.  Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right.  If that still doesn't work I write more.  I draw and color prayers.  I read.  I think.  I allow myself to feel.


Anyway.  So I did the whole listening to music thing.  I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile.  Talk about a backfire.  Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night.  The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional.  Jeff and I used:

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder

Maybe - Everlast

Marry You - Bruno Mars

Love Story - Taylor Swift

Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty

As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music.  The song was a no-brainer since  I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it.  It wouldn't go away.  I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."

The blog title and mood are taken from the song.  One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate.  I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it.  The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me.  It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself.  Tonight is one of those nights.  This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.

Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.

I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times.  They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show.  It's a 10 minute song.  Every time I've seen them live, they've played it.  Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played.  And I smiled.  The song has such emotional ties for me.  It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch.  I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships.  Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly.  Others?  Not so much.

I had a best friend once.  I don't befriend women easily.  We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down.  So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up?  I embrace them with everything I have.  I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse.  If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give.  That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again.  I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.

As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her.  Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person.  I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway.  Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently.  Or better.  Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.  

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen.  I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do.  I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling.  So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband.  Goodbye 11-11-11.   

 

"My Wife, the Cheap Date"

Mood:  grateful...nostalgic




The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night.  On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life.  This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date.  However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business.  Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.




While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up.  I mean...really grow up.  I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now).  The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me.  Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES!  It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.


I love working with kids.  I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still.  Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated?  Of course.  But I'm still happy.  I love the kids I work with and for.  And the daycare center is amazing.  And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is.  How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.


Here's why.  The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes.  Last night's date also served to drive that point home.  Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday.  And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense.  Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details.  It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen.  It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter.  These are the moments that make life...well...life.  And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family.  You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that.  Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.  


These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless.  Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe.  And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.  


My parents are missing out on being grandparents.  They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers.  They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because.  The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day.  If only for the fact that they aren't shared.  


Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement.  Not miserable...sad.  Nostalgic definitely.  Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast.  Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table. 


This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy.  Jeff and I decided a date was in order.  And this is how the blog came to be.  Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged.  In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do.  2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy.  Drunk?  Nope.  Buzzed?  Perhaps.  Happy and loose lipped?  Definitely.  


It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week.  Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date.  Do I miss my family?  More than I can say.  Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there?  Far too many to count.  But I really can't complain about life right now.  It's pretty sweet.  And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....