In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11. Let me tell you how I spent this day.
I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him. I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady. I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work. When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there. I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me. With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed. Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband! So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.
That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work. I started to feel...off...then. And it's only gotten worse. I did 2 loads of laundry. I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy. I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out. I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out. I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.
However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music. The universal language.
When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine. Listen to music. Music speaks when I can't. Then I write. Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right. If that still doesn't work I write more. I draw and color prayers. I read. I think. I allow myself to feel.
Anyway. So I did the whole listening to music thing. I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile. Talk about a backfire. Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night. The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional. Jeff and I used:
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder
Maybe - Everlast
Marry You - Bruno Mars
Love Story - Taylor Swift
Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty
As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music. The song was a no-brainer since I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it. It wouldn't go away. I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."
The blog title and mood are taken from the song. One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate. I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it. The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me. It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself. Tonight is one of those nights. This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.
Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.
I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times. They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show. It's a 10 minute song. Every time I've seen them live, they've played it. Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played. And I smiled. The song has such emotional ties for me. It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch. I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships. Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly. Others? Not so much.
I had a best friend once. I don't befriend women easily. We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down. So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up? I embrace them with everything I have. I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse. If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give. That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again. I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.
As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her. Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person. I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway. Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently. Or better. Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.
I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen. I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do. I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling. So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband. Goodbye 11-11-11.
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