Home is....

Mood:  unsure


I really wanted to blog last night.  And I really didn't want to blog last night.


I wanted to write down what had happened during the day (that's coming) and how I felt.  There were so many emotions ranging from blessed to pissed to terrified...but I was so drained after yesterday that it was all I could do to write in my journal and try not to fall asleep while Jeff and I watched old episodes of The Simpsons.  Like vintage episodes...the one where Homer finds Mindy and sings the song to Marge about a turkey...and he makes up the name Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabado (spelling?).  


Anyway.  So here's my fun story about yesterday....and what it means for me today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.


So Jeff had the day off.  We left in the morning to deposit some checks into his (soon to be our) account.  Then we hit the road to Early to move as much as we could out of my old apartment.  An hour into the drive I realize I didn't bring my apartment keys with me.  Oooops.  We turn around.  About 10 minutes into turning around Jeff realizes he has the key I gave him (even though he NEVER needed it cause I was always here...).  We turn around again.


We make it to Early without any further disruption.  I spend a good 2 or 3 hours with Jeff helping bag donations and trash while packing clothes I plan on keeping.  Jeff moved some of the heavier stuff outside for me and then we decide we're starving so we head to Storm Lake.


Having been craving Chinese, we head to the buffet (it's about all Jeff can eat in Storm Lake anyway....) and enjoy a lovely lunch.  We talk about life.  About how I'm missing my friends and family back home.  About the apartment.  About me getting a job.


When we're finished eating we get in the car and head back to Early. 


We get a few miles outside of town and we're chatting when I see something in the road on a hill coming up.  I ask Jeff what it is.  It looks like a tire, which he tells me...and it does.  There's a car in the oncoming lane and two RIGHT behind me.  So I'm forced to either drive down into the ditch or just hope I don't run over the "tire" too hard.


Spoiler alert:  IT WASN'T A TIRE.  In fact...there were two pieces of brake from a semi.  I get us off to the side of the road.  The rear passenger tire:  BLOWN.  The car?  Leaking something.  Call AAA.  Wait.  Get car to shop.


Hear the word "transmission" and I promptly use the shop's restroom to throw up.  Seriously.  I'm not working right now.  Jeff is supporting us while paying child support.  We are paying rent on two places this month (damn me not moving out sooner!) and trying to figure out how to merge accounts and insurance and all the fun business that comes with being newly married.


From there the day is rather uneventful.  We walk from the shop where we leave my car and pray that it's just the transmission pan and not an actual blow to the transmission...and head to my grandparent's hoping they will let us borrow their second car in order to get back to Ankeny.  We get there, chat, thank them profusely and drive off.  Pick up all the crap we managed to pack from the apt in Early and begin the 2.5 hour drive back to Ankeny.  At 6pm.  It's already been a long day since we left the house right after 9.


Did I mention it was Jeff's ONE day off since we came back from the honeymoon?


Once we get home...we watch DVDs...I pass out.


Since last night I've replayed yesterday in my head.  And I've been dealing with all kinds of emotions.


As I was already missing family/friends...that pain got worse.  Though Jeff and I got lucky and it was a really insignificant accident in the grand scheme of things...it sucks that I had no mom or dad to hug when I got home.  Not even got home...cause I did...as Jeff's mom is now my mine...but what I mean is...the fact that I don't even have the option to run home for a hug hurts.  And when things like that happen....really unexpected, scary things....it sucks that my family is so far away.  I know it's cliche and all, but it does really make you think.  I've spent a good part of today wondering what I would have done had there been a serious injury.  Or worse.  What would my last words have been to my mom?  My dad?  My sister...I mean...


I called them all Sunday...but we're all adults.  Life is busy.  


On the positive side of this, there was immense joy in yesterday.  Jeff manages to keep me calm.  Or as calm as I can be.  I'm always great in the face of serious danger on the road.  I stay calm, and I do what I need to do.  I once had the hood of my first ever car (the family minivan) fly up while I was driving...who knew that really did happen?!?  Anyway.  After yesterday's accident had happened and AAA had been called my mind was racing with worst case, end of the world scenarios.  We won't have enough money to eat.  How are we going to pay anybody any rent?  I'm never going to find a job (I've been unlucky thus far).


But Jeff?  He remained so calm that I had to calm down.  He even had me laughing.  By the time we finally made it back to Ankeny I was still terrified of the cost (it wasn't pretty....but it was nowhere near what it could have been) but I was so much more in love with my husband.


We are so in sync.  We keep each other balanced.  And we manage to find good in everything.  Nobody was hurt yesterday.  It was seriously a no fault accident.  We had each other there to go through it with.  And we did get through it.  Every second that has passed since then I've been reminding myself how lucky I am to have this man next to my side.  To be my family now.


That being said...here's where I'm at tonight...


I know that growing up and moving away and getting married shifts family dynamics.  I'm more than aware.  And honestly, if a marriage didn't shift the family dynamics a bit I'd be worried.  My dad will always be the first man I ever loved, but, he's no longer the one that I call with emergencies (even if it's an "Ashley" emergency like...the interweb hates me or I don't know how to fill out a form...).  


So I didn't expect things to NOT change.  But...I'm not sure I expected to feel how I do now.  And I don't know that I can quite put a word to the feeling.  I'm...I just don't know.


I feel so disconnected from my PA family...and it makes me...angry?  Definitely sad.  But I don't know how to make that feeling go away.  Or when/if it's supposed to.  Once you grow up and get married and are "on your own" are you supposed to kind of let go of other family?  That's how it always looked to me when I was growing up, but....


So I'm waiting for Jeff to get home today and writing this blog.  And I'm blinking back tears.  I can't tell if they're happy or sad.  Maybe a little of both I guess.


I guess yesterday was certainly a reminder of how very human we all are.  I know that there was not a single scratch (okay the seat belt did scratch my chest) on Jeff or I...but there's just...so much...uncertainty.  And so little that we humans can actually control.  It was a scary reminder of how far I am from some of the most important people in my life.  And it sucked.  And it didn't.  Jeff and his smile and his actions and his words and his reassurance only served to remind me of how insanely lucky I am to have found somebody that loves me as much as he does.  And that wants to take care of me forever.  I didn't need a new tire and transmission pan to make me realize that...but it certainly drove (did you see what I did there?) the point home.


Never forget the little blessings that fill your life.  Ever.