Blue Christmas

Mood:  meh


I've been avoiding blogging.  I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest.  Taking care of myself is high up there on that list.  I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband.  I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.


And I know I should.  It's not just me that needs me anymore.  There's the husband.  The stepson.  The dog.  My family back in PA.  It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me.  And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.


Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating.  I loooooooooooooooove Christmas.  Actually I love the entire winter season.  I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it.  I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.  


I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing.  It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it.  My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain.  I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it).  The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain.  There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing?  Skiing during free time with my daddy.  


I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either.  I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.  


Last night I was thinking about that decision.  And the season.  And my funk.  And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding.  Almost 3 months ago.


This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together.  And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him.  It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me.  While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family.  The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom.  Watching college basketball with Daddy.  Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown.  Buying Christmas presents for the puppies.  Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements.  The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...


I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays.  There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls.  This winter just feels cold.  And stressful. 


Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration.  I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents.  I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....).  I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm.  But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling.  It's a celebration.  And it's spiritual.  I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday.  I need to get excited again.


I need to eat.  I need to drink water again.  I need to resume exercising and writing.  I need to find a spiritual happy place.  


And I'll do it.  I pray in time for Christmas.