Spoiler: the title is emo...the post is not.
It's been one of those days. Well, to be honest...it's been one of those days for a little over a week now. You know those days. The ones where nothing goes wrong, nothing catastrophic happens, nothing really noteworthy at all occurs...in fact some good things happen, and there are some happy moments...but you still just feel...meh? Yeah, those days.
I find these days incredibly frustrating. Having lived with depression for nearly 17 years I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with my body. I can feel myself starting to slip into a funk...and I get so annoyed when I know that's what's happening...but there's absolutely no reason behind it. At all.
Let's start with last weekend...when the nagging feeling of not being okay set in. The husband was on call, so we started Saturday by heading in to his office. He stayed pretty busy all day but we managed to do some grocery shopping (which for some reason I find delightful) and had a pretty good day. Sunday...slow day at work so we baked together. Jeff really wanted to try the rum cake from the Caribbean (daddy yours will be on the way soon!) but because of the dairy allergy was unable to. He researched recipes until he found one without any dairy and we decided to test it. Can I just tell you how amazing it tasted and how much fun it was to bake as a couple?
Sunday ended with the season premiere of The Walking Dead and we followed that by our new obsession, Homeland. It was an amazing end to the weekend.
Monday I got a job. Major yay! since I was starting to seriously freak out about not having one...and interviews weren't even being offered anymore. Wednesday the husband and I headed to the old apartment and emptied it. Well...he emptied it and I cleaned/packed. It feels awesome to have that done and not over my head anymore. I'm so happy to have all my things (okay most of my things) in one place.
Thursday I started the job. Last night we got the boy.
I woke up this morning to a discussion between Jeff and Malcolm about autobots and something unknown and undecipherable...all I know is that I woke up feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. To have two boys in bed with me that I love...it's a feeling I honestly have no words for. From there the day went a bit askew....but picked up again.
Malcolm and Mom and Daddy played. We all shot each other. We ran around outside. We watched Optimus Prime defeat evil once again...
So...
Why am I still upset? Why do I have this constant feeling of being unsettled and unhappy and...anxious?
I have a few ideas. And some concrete things that are upsetting...but nothing that would warrant depression. My life is pretty damn good right now. I couldn't be happier with married life. I have the BEST time baking and watching tv with Jeff. Work is chaotic...but I love working with kids and I'm honestly just grateful to be employed once again. Jeff and I get to spend this weekend and next weekend with the boy. I'm eating healthier. I'm staying active. I'm honestly insanely blessed and happy.
I know this. I acknowledge this. And I still feel...like crap.
The REALLY crappy thing about feeling so unsettled and generally sad for no reason...is that you know you're sad for NO REASON. Which makes you feel worse for feeling bad when you know you shouldn't feel bad...
It's a nasty little cycle.
I'm taking my meds. I'm writing. I colored today. I'm talking to Jeff.
But the depression is settling...at least for now.
So here's what I promise to myself: I'll continue to deal with the sadness and the uneasiness the only way I know how...to move forward one foot at a time and to keep looking for the good things...no matter how small or how simple (like wearing a purple scarf to stand united against bullying, ignorance, and intolerance)...
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