Mood: relaxed
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
Mood: ....no that's too strong, for it is my favorite holiday......
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
Mood: unsure
I really wanted to blog last night. And I really didn't want to blog last night.
I wanted to write down what had happened during the day (that's coming) and how I felt. There were so many emotions ranging from blessed to pissed to terrified...but I was so drained after yesterday that it was all I could do to write in my journal and try not to fall asleep while Jeff and I watched old episodes of The Simpsons. Like vintage episodes...the one where Homer finds Mindy and sings the song to Marge about a turkey...and he makes up the name Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabado (spelling?).
Anyway. So here's my fun story about yesterday....and what it means for me today. And tomorrow. And the next day.
So Jeff had the day off. We left in the morning to deposit some checks into his (soon to be our) account. Then we hit the road to Early to move as much as we could out of my old apartment. An hour into the drive I realize I didn't bring my apartment keys with me. Oooops. We turn around. About 10 minutes into turning around Jeff realizes he has the key I gave him (even though he NEVER needed it cause I was always here...). We turn around again.
We make it to Early without any further disruption. I spend a good 2 or 3 hours with Jeff helping bag donations and trash while packing clothes I plan on keeping. Jeff moved some of the heavier stuff outside for me and then we decide we're starving so we head to Storm Lake.
Having been craving Chinese, we head to the buffet (it's about all Jeff can eat in Storm Lake anyway....) and enjoy a lovely lunch. We talk about life. About how I'm missing my friends and family back home. About the apartment. About me getting a job.
When we're finished eating we get in the car and head back to Early.
We get a few miles outside of town and we're chatting when I see something in the road on a hill coming up. I ask Jeff what it is. It looks like a tire, which he tells me...and it does. There's a car in the oncoming lane and two RIGHT behind me. So I'm forced to either drive down into the ditch or just hope I don't run over the "tire" too hard.
Spoiler alert: IT WASN'T A TIRE. In fact...there were two pieces of brake from a semi. I get us off to the side of the road. The rear passenger tire: BLOWN. The car? Leaking something. Call AAA. Wait. Get car to shop.
Hear the word "transmission" and I promptly use the shop's restroom to throw up. Seriously. I'm not working right now. Jeff is supporting us while paying child support. We are paying rent on two places this month (damn me not moving out sooner!) and trying to figure out how to merge accounts and insurance and all the fun business that comes with being newly married.
From there the day is rather uneventful. We walk from the shop where we leave my car and pray that it's just the transmission pan and not an actual blow to the transmission...and head to my grandparent's hoping they will let us borrow their second car in order to get back to Ankeny. We get there, chat, thank them profusely and drive off. Pick up all the crap we managed to pack from the apt in Early and begin the 2.5 hour drive back to Ankeny. At 6pm. It's already been a long day since we left the house right after 9.
Did I mention it was Jeff's ONE day off since we came back from the honeymoon?
Once we get home...we watch DVDs...I pass out.
Since last night I've replayed yesterday in my head. And I've been dealing with all kinds of emotions.
As I was already missing family/friends...that pain got worse. Though Jeff and I got lucky and it was a really insignificant accident in the grand scheme of things...it sucks that I had no mom or dad to hug when I got home. Not even got home...cause I did...as Jeff's mom is now my mine...but what I mean is...the fact that I don't even have the option to run home for a hug hurts. And when things like that happen....really unexpected, scary things....it sucks that my family is so far away. I know it's cliche and all, but it does really make you think. I've spent a good part of today wondering what I would have done had there been a serious injury. Or worse. What would my last words have been to my mom? My dad? My sister...I mean...
I called them all Sunday...but we're all adults. Life is busy.
On the positive side of this, there was immense joy in yesterday. Jeff manages to keep me calm. Or as calm as I can be. I'm always great in the face of serious danger on the road. I stay calm, and I do what I need to do. I once had the hood of my first ever car (the family minivan) fly up while I was driving...who knew that really did happen?!? Anyway. After yesterday's accident had happened and AAA had been called my mind was racing with worst case, end of the world scenarios. We won't have enough money to eat. How are we going to pay anybody any rent? I'm never going to find a job (I've been unlucky thus far).
But Jeff? He remained so calm that I had to calm down. He even had me laughing. By the time we finally made it back to Ankeny I was still terrified of the cost (it wasn't pretty....but it was nowhere near what it could have been) but I was so much more in love with my husband.
We are so in sync. We keep each other balanced. And we manage to find good in everything. Nobody was hurt yesterday. It was seriously a no fault accident. We had each other there to go through it with. And we did get through it. Every second that has passed since then I've been reminding myself how lucky I am to have this man next to my side. To be my family now.
That being said...here's where I'm at tonight...
I know that growing up and moving away and getting married shifts family dynamics. I'm more than aware. And honestly, if a marriage didn't shift the family dynamics a bit I'd be worried. My dad will always be the first man I ever loved, but, he's no longer the one that I call with emergencies (even if it's an "Ashley" emergency like...the interweb hates me or I don't know how to fill out a form...).
So I didn't expect things to NOT change. But...I'm not sure I expected to feel how I do now. And I don't know that I can quite put a word to the feeling. I'm...I just don't know.
I feel so disconnected from my PA family...and it makes me...angry? Definitely sad. But I don't know how to make that feeling go away. Or when/if it's supposed to. Once you grow up and get married and are "on your own" are you supposed to kind of let go of other family? That's how it always looked to me when I was growing up, but....
So I'm waiting for Jeff to get home today and writing this blog. And I'm blinking back tears. I can't tell if they're happy or sad. Maybe a little of both I guess.
I guess yesterday was certainly a reminder of how very human we all are. I know that there was not a single scratch (okay the seat belt did scratch my chest) on Jeff or I...but there's just...so much...uncertainty. And so little that we humans can actually control. It was a scary reminder of how far I am from some of the most important people in my life. And it sucked. And it didn't. Jeff and his smile and his actions and his words and his reassurance only served to remind me of how insanely lucky I am to have found somebody that loves me as much as he does. And that wants to take care of me forever. I didn't need a new tire and transmission pan to make me realize that...but it certainly drove (did you see what I did there?) the point home.
Never forget the little blessings that fill your life. Ever.
