Next Step...

Mood:  "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."




Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4.  Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax.  Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.


That was the day I dreamed about.  That was not, however, the way my day went.  I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff.  An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family.  I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.  


For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work.  I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying.  Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff.  It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side.  And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.


I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations.  The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.  


It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written.  I need it out.  And the journal just didn't do it for me.


I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing.  With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation. 


While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously.  I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...


Only today, I lost hope.  Truly.  I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited.  I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger.  And they've come back to haunt me already...twice.  I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.


I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second.  It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.  


But I don't want to.  I have a life I've worked hard to build.  A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard.  A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today.  A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love.  And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.


With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is.  And I do mean my very next step.  One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear.  The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings.  And then the next?  I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing.  Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do.  And no idea what I want to do. 


I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet.  I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.


Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other.  One breath in and out.  And trust that we know what we're doing.