Mood: contemplative
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sick Day
Mood: hopeful
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Next Step...
Mood: "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What A Difference A Day Makes
Mood: blessed
Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights. Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time. And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme. I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work. From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown. In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy. Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food). Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv. She'd even rub my back.
To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa. The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.
Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself. Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.
Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun. That's a huge understatement. The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.
Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight. It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain. I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet. And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.
One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm. Always. Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.
Tonight is no different. I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year. Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas. I'm still anxious. I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband. And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night. I get to get ready for work with him. Laugh with him. Pack lunches next to each other.
I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger. They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible. And Caitlyn continued that until last year.
It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday. Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........
I hope you all had a great weekend. And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.
Have a happy Monday!
Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights. Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time. And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme. I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work. From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown. In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy. Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food). Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv. She'd even rub my back.
To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa. The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.
Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself. Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.
Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun. That's a huge understatement. The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.
Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight. It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain. I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet. And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.
One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm. Always. Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.
Tonight is no different. I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year. Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas. I'm still anxious. I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband. And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night. I get to get ready for work with him. Laugh with him. Pack lunches next to each other.
I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger. They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible. And Caitlyn continued that until last year.
It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday. Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........
I hope you all had a great weekend. And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.
Have a happy Monday!
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