Sick Day

Mood:  hopeful


I took today off.  I called and said exactly what's wrong with me:  I'm not me today.  I haven't been in over a week.  And I hate it.  I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog.  Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.


I'm a pretty happy person.  Dramatic?  Definitely.  Sad?  At times.  I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression.  I used to be angry all the time.  Harboring resentment and nasty feelings.  It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.


So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself.  I've continued to do those nice things...until lately.  Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department.  I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.  


I woke up this morning crying.  Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed.  I showered.  My chest felt as though a house was on top of it.  And I couldn't go any further than that shower.  I called my boss.  I sent texts to coworkers.  I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping.  And then I stopped.


I have written in my journal.  I've done laundry.  I attempted a nap.  I've listened to some music.  Defragged my computer.  Screwed around on Pinterest.  And that's what I needed to do today.  I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight.  I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*


And here's the nicest thing I've done all day.  I've set my mind to stopping the sad.  The issues causing the feelings won't disappear.  But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day.  Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing.  There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear.  Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way.  I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb.  And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.  


So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley.  For a while anyway.  Will I still be sad?  Of course.  But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying.  I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh.  I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.  


I know I won't succeed every single step of the way.  And I know I'll slip back into sad.  But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids.  I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide.  I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love.  And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything.  I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.

*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!

2012...

Mood:  meh....


It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon.  I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt.  I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart:  The True Story of a Secret Life.  And it's been a fantastic day.  The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done.  Nothing.  No errands that can't wait.  No holiday events or parties.  No bank runs or grocery runs.  Nothing.  


And it feels phenomenal.  And indulgent.  And sooooooooo odd.  And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.


I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy.  And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do.  I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time.  But, secretly, I hate it as well.  For a few reasons.  The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS.  I've been having really depressing PMS lately.  Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself.  I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"


Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling?  It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine.  But you don't.  You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting.  I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful.  There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."


Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do.  I've stayed busy reading.  Wasting time online.  Doing laundry.  Talking with the husband.  Watching tv.  Showering.  It's just...I don't know.  


I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good.  Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing.  All weekend.  I do.  And I don't.  I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun.  Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING.  Something just to force me out of my own funk.  


I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter.  And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!).  Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.  


If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!).  Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.


And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out.  Cold or not.  Overwhelmed or not.  Just for a bit.  And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.

Tis the Season

Mood:  exhausted...happy




I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged.  Unacceptable.  


So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.


I'm still loving my job teaching preschool.  It's so fun!  Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around.  I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two.  Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it.  A lot.


The husband has just accepted a new job.  He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity.  He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.  


We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us.  Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son.  We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more.  Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.


Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude.  Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm.  It was wonderful.  We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic.  To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.  


It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy.  I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I.  Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss.  My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.


This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have.  As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am.  I hope you are able to feel the same!

Transformers

Mood:  "more than meets the eye..." seriously though, I feel transformed


*Disclaimer*  This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers


When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical.  I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday.  The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.


I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products.  The skincare line, the hair care...amazing.  When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon.  It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot.  More than I'd care to admit right now.  As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build.  The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.  


So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses.  And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done.  On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog.  I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home.  As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines.  Ummmm....fate much?


So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever.  Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is?  Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting.  You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins.  Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.



I had 2 hours of complete bliss.  Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed.  And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed.  Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!  


Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):

and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:

Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first.  And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.


Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland.  And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead.  I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!

"My Wife, the Cheap Date"

Mood:  grateful...nostalgic




The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night.  On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life.  This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date.  However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business.  Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.




While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up.  I mean...really grow up.  I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now).  The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me.  Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES!  It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.


I love working with kids.  I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still.  Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated?  Of course.  But I'm still happy.  I love the kids I work with and for.  And the daycare center is amazing.  And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is.  How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.


Here's why.  The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes.  Last night's date also served to drive that point home.  Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday.  And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense.  Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details.  It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen.  It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter.  These are the moments that make life...well...life.  And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family.  You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that.  Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.  


These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless.  Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe.  And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.  


My parents are missing out on being grandparents.  They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers.  They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because.  The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day.  If only for the fact that they aren't shared.  


Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement.  Not miserable...sad.  Nostalgic definitely.  Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast.  Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table. 


This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy.  Jeff and I decided a date was in order.  And this is how the blog came to be.  Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged.  In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do.  2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy.  Drunk?  Nope.  Buzzed?  Perhaps.  Happy and loose lipped?  Definitely.  


It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week.  Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date.  Do I miss my family?  More than I can say.  Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there?  Far too many to count.  But I really can't complain about life right now.  It's pretty sweet.  And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....

What A Difference A Day Makes

Mood:  blessed


Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights.  Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time.  And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme.  I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work.  From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown.  In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy.  Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food).  Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv.  She'd even rub my back.  


To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa.  The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.


Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself.  Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.


Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun.  That's a huge understatement.  The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.


Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight.  It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain.  I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet.  And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.


One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm.  Always.  Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.


Tonight is no different.  I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year.  Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas.  I'm still anxious.  I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband.  And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night.  I get to get ready for work with him.  Laugh with him.  Pack lunches next to each other.


I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger.  They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible.  And Caitlyn continued that until last year.  


It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday.  Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........


I hope you all had a great weekend.  And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.


Have a happy Monday!

To My Husband...

Mood:  in love...


Warning:  the following post will be sappy.


Husband - 


Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.


Happy anniversary!


I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you.  Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural.  I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life.  I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it.  I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me.  I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand.  How you hold me when we sleep.  I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.


But you already know these things.


In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know.  I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once:  a lot gets said!


What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.  Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all).  Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling.  Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic.  Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).  


I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work.  How I still get first date butterflies sometimes.  I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky.  How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.


On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...


I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.


You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.  


I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.  


I love you so much husband!  


Thank you for loving me.


Happy one month!


Wifey

Home is....

Mood:  unsure


I really wanted to blog last night.  And I really didn't want to blog last night.


I wanted to write down what had happened during the day (that's coming) and how I felt.  There were so many emotions ranging from blessed to pissed to terrified...but I was so drained after yesterday that it was all I could do to write in my journal and try not to fall asleep while Jeff and I watched old episodes of The Simpsons.  Like vintage episodes...the one where Homer finds Mindy and sings the song to Marge about a turkey...and he makes up the name Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabado (spelling?).  


Anyway.  So here's my fun story about yesterday....and what it means for me today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.


So Jeff had the day off.  We left in the morning to deposit some checks into his (soon to be our) account.  Then we hit the road to Early to move as much as we could out of my old apartment.  An hour into the drive I realize I didn't bring my apartment keys with me.  Oooops.  We turn around.  About 10 minutes into turning around Jeff realizes he has the key I gave him (even though he NEVER needed it cause I was always here...).  We turn around again.


We make it to Early without any further disruption.  I spend a good 2 or 3 hours with Jeff helping bag donations and trash while packing clothes I plan on keeping.  Jeff moved some of the heavier stuff outside for me and then we decide we're starving so we head to Storm Lake.


Having been craving Chinese, we head to the buffet (it's about all Jeff can eat in Storm Lake anyway....) and enjoy a lovely lunch.  We talk about life.  About how I'm missing my friends and family back home.  About the apartment.  About me getting a job.


When we're finished eating we get in the car and head back to Early. 


We get a few miles outside of town and we're chatting when I see something in the road on a hill coming up.  I ask Jeff what it is.  It looks like a tire, which he tells me...and it does.  There's a car in the oncoming lane and two RIGHT behind me.  So I'm forced to either drive down into the ditch or just hope I don't run over the "tire" too hard.


Spoiler alert:  IT WASN'T A TIRE.  In fact...there were two pieces of brake from a semi.  I get us off to the side of the road.  The rear passenger tire:  BLOWN.  The car?  Leaking something.  Call AAA.  Wait.  Get car to shop.


Hear the word "transmission" and I promptly use the shop's restroom to throw up.  Seriously.  I'm not working right now.  Jeff is supporting us while paying child support.  We are paying rent on two places this month (damn me not moving out sooner!) and trying to figure out how to merge accounts and insurance and all the fun business that comes with being newly married.


From there the day is rather uneventful.  We walk from the shop where we leave my car and pray that it's just the transmission pan and not an actual blow to the transmission...and head to my grandparent's hoping they will let us borrow their second car in order to get back to Ankeny.  We get there, chat, thank them profusely and drive off.  Pick up all the crap we managed to pack from the apt in Early and begin the 2.5 hour drive back to Ankeny.  At 6pm.  It's already been a long day since we left the house right after 9.


Did I mention it was Jeff's ONE day off since we came back from the honeymoon?


Once we get home...we watch DVDs...I pass out.


Since last night I've replayed yesterday in my head.  And I've been dealing with all kinds of emotions.


As I was already missing family/friends...that pain got worse.  Though Jeff and I got lucky and it was a really insignificant accident in the grand scheme of things...it sucks that I had no mom or dad to hug when I got home.  Not even got home...cause I did...as Jeff's mom is now my mine...but what I mean is...the fact that I don't even have the option to run home for a hug hurts.  And when things like that happen....really unexpected, scary things....it sucks that my family is so far away.  I know it's cliche and all, but it does really make you think.  I've spent a good part of today wondering what I would have done had there been a serious injury.  Or worse.  What would my last words have been to my mom?  My dad?  My sister...I mean...


I called them all Sunday...but we're all adults.  Life is busy.  


On the positive side of this, there was immense joy in yesterday.  Jeff manages to keep me calm.  Or as calm as I can be.  I'm always great in the face of serious danger on the road.  I stay calm, and I do what I need to do.  I once had the hood of my first ever car (the family minivan) fly up while I was driving...who knew that really did happen?!?  Anyway.  After yesterday's accident had happened and AAA had been called my mind was racing with worst case, end of the world scenarios.  We won't have enough money to eat.  How are we going to pay anybody any rent?  I'm never going to find a job (I've been unlucky thus far).


But Jeff?  He remained so calm that I had to calm down.  He even had me laughing.  By the time we finally made it back to Ankeny I was still terrified of the cost (it wasn't pretty....but it was nowhere near what it could have been) but I was so much more in love with my husband.


We are so in sync.  We keep each other balanced.  And we manage to find good in everything.  Nobody was hurt yesterday.  It was seriously a no fault accident.  We had each other there to go through it with.  And we did get through it.  Every second that has passed since then I've been reminding myself how lucky I am to have this man next to my side.  To be my family now.


That being said...here's where I'm at tonight...


I know that growing up and moving away and getting married shifts family dynamics.  I'm more than aware.  And honestly, if a marriage didn't shift the family dynamics a bit I'd be worried.  My dad will always be the first man I ever loved, but, he's no longer the one that I call with emergencies (even if it's an "Ashley" emergency like...the interweb hates me or I don't know how to fill out a form...).  


So I didn't expect things to NOT change.  But...I'm not sure I expected to feel how I do now.  And I don't know that I can quite put a word to the feeling.  I'm...I just don't know.


I feel so disconnected from my PA family...and it makes me...angry?  Definitely sad.  But I don't know how to make that feeling go away.  Or when/if it's supposed to.  Once you grow up and get married and are "on your own" are you supposed to kind of let go of other family?  That's how it always looked to me when I was growing up, but....


So I'm waiting for Jeff to get home today and writing this blog.  And I'm blinking back tears.  I can't tell if they're happy or sad.  Maybe a little of both I guess.


I guess yesterday was certainly a reminder of how very human we all are.  I know that there was not a single scratch (okay the seat belt did scratch my chest) on Jeff or I...but there's just...so much...uncertainty.  And so little that we humans can actually control.  It was a scary reminder of how far I am from some of the most important people in my life.  And it sucked.  And it didn't.  Jeff and his smile and his actions and his words and his reassurance only served to remind me of how insanely lucky I am to have found somebody that loves me as much as he does.  And that wants to take care of me forever.  I didn't need a new tire and transmission pan to make me realize that...but it certainly drove (did you see what I did there?) the point home.


Never forget the little blessings that fill your life.  Ever.  

Family Matters

Mood:   blessed




Over the weekend I may or may not have (I did) welcomed Jeff into married life by doing the embarrassing wife thing:  matching outfits.


Let's clear some things up.  We didn't wear ONE matching shirt.  We wore (age appropriate) shirts depicting our love for the Chicago Bulls (Malcolm has obvs inherited this love).  


Mine was totally a girl shirt.  Jeff's was the shirt I got him for his birthday (customized with his fav number and his last name) and Malcolm wore one that Jeff got him last year.

Okay so you can't see us all (and our shirts) in this pic....but it's hard to take a family photo with an iphone and one arm with a squirming 2.5 year old.

That's not the point of this post though.

Tonight at dinner Jeff's (and now my) nephew mentioned how he wasn't going to have kids.  Ever.  Or at least until he was financially stable.  Jeff and I said we totally encouraged the plan...but life doesn't often care about the plans you make.

I was NOT going to date anyone with a child, or that lived over 50 miles away from me.  A month later I started talking to the husband.  Both a father...and somebody who lived way farther than I thought I was willing to travel.  I didn't want to marry a father because I knew I was ready to commit and I didn't want to have to say goodbye to 2 people I fell in love with.

Before our first date, Jeff and I agreed to not discuss "big things" until 6 months into dating.

We said "I do" on our 6 month anniversary.

And exactly 2 weeks later we woke up in bed, with his son and the awesome bulldog.  He chatted with us for a bit before standing up and announcing, very seriously, that "he has a butt."  

We all laughed for a good 5 minutes of this new found important declaration...and as I laughed and stayed in bed I felt....

well...

there was an immense happiness that I wasn't sure I would ever feel.  Honestly.  Did I see myself getting married?  Yes.  Did I see myself with a partner this perfect for me?  No.  Did I see myself in some kind of family environment?  Yes.  Did I see myself as a mother instantly? No.  Did I know I had a maternal instinct?  I'm not sure....

The point here is...

the whole weekend all I could think about was how lucky and blessed Jeff and Malcolm (and Yoda) I are to have each other.  And to love each other.

It's in this incredibly simplistic gratitude that I write.  I not only have my (CB) family, but I have my new (Lutjen/Lilland) family...and Malcolm (and Yoda....technically Lilland's).  

I write because quite honestly...as grateful as I am to have been raised by my parents with my brother and sister....I am constantly amazed every single second how fortunate I am to have a second family...and a family of my own.

The little things....a boy announcing (with a spank) a part of his anatomy...can without a shadow of a doubt be the most wonderful things about life.  These smiles, laughs, and (rarely) tears make living not only worthwhile...but enjoyable.  

I look forward to waking up next to Jeff and his back...or his smile...or him telling me he's leaving for work.  And while we plan (....life interrupts these....) on another child one day, for now, I'm beyond content with this amazing family I've managed to find.  And become a part of.

I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.  

I hope that you have a family that reminds you that you are blessed....or that you find one someday...or if you're as lucky as I have been....that you have both. 

I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...

Mood:  zooooooooooooombie


...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...


One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often:  "please forgive this."


If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this.  "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening.  I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails.  There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.


So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage.  I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage.  I kid.  He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours.  I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30.  Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed.  I think I was out by 9.  


I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good.  Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.


Was is the operative word.  


Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...


My parents always supported me in everything I did.  Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%.  Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted.  Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want.  That's a great way to treat a kid.  And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests.  The thing is...it leaves me...well...


I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I feel way behind the curve.  Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering.  I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).  


If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you.  I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly?  I haven't the foggiest.


Again, please forgive this.


It's just...I'm good at a ton of things.  I work retail efficiently, politely, and well.  I am epic with kids.  Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving.  These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career?  I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.


I know it involves allowing me to be creative.  There's writing.  There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday.  Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work. 


This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today.  Yes, 2 hours.  It was for cosmetic sales.  I love cosmetics.  I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother.  I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting.  I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman.  So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.


It was not.  The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me.  They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment.  They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person.  Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics.  While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27.  If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart.  Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.


I know people find their dream careers.  The position that fulfills them.  But do they find it at the expense of other things?  Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?


I'm not sure.  I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities.  I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder.  But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well.  As to how to make that happen?  I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out.  And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it.  From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).


I trust that I'll figure out where I fit.  If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible.  Wish me luck!