Peace Be With You...

Mood:  content




I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.


Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off.  Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning.  At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present!  I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something.  I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well!  I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):

Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl?  Delicious!


Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us.  It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain.  Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff.  When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:

I swear I was not as angry as that photo may look.  Anyway.  When I got to dinner with Jeff I looked like this:

It's insane what a good Smashbox lip gloss, sparkly Givenchy earrings, a pretty jewel colored sweater, and some trusty Bare Escentuals makeup can do in 15 minutes...or less!  Plus having low lighting doesn't hurt...


Anyway.  I had an amazing day.  Was it always happy?  No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown).  I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.


It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing.  I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay.  And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary.  This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I.  We have a list of movies we want to watch including:  Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing.  We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive.  And that's okay.  In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.


I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about.  Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that.  Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things.  I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed.  I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family.  I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!).  I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.

But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity.  I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.  


I pray you've found it.  And if you don't...it's okay.  You have tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the day after that.  After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.  


Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....

"This is Because..."

Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."


In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11.  Let me tell you how I spent this day.


I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him.  I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady.  I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work.  When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there.  I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me.  With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed.  Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband!  So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.


That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work.  I started to feel...off...then.  And it's only gotten worse.  I did 2 loads of laundry.  I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy.  I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out.  I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out.  I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.  


However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music.  The universal language.


When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine.  Listen to music.  Music speaks when I can't.  Then I write.  Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right.  If that still doesn't work I write more.  I draw and color prayers.  I read.  I think.  I allow myself to feel.


Anyway.  So I did the whole listening to music thing.  I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile.  Talk about a backfire.  Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night.  The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional.  Jeff and I used:

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder

Maybe - Everlast

Marry You - Bruno Mars

Love Story - Taylor Swift

Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty

As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music.  The song was a no-brainer since  I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it.  It wouldn't go away.  I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."

The blog title and mood are taken from the song.  One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate.  I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it.  The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me.  It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself.  Tonight is one of those nights.  This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.

Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.

I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times.  They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show.  It's a 10 minute song.  Every time I've seen them live, they've played it.  Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played.  And I smiled.  The song has such emotional ties for me.  It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch.  I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships.  Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly.  Others?  Not so much.

I had a best friend once.  I don't befriend women easily.  We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down.  So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up?  I embrace them with everything I have.  I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse.  If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give.  That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again.  I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.

As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her.  Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person.  I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway.  Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently.  Or better.  Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.  

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen.  I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do.  I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling.  So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband.  Goodbye 11-11-11.   

 

To My Husband...

Mood:  in love...


Warning:  the following post will be sappy.


Husband - 


Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.


Happy anniversary!


I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you.  Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural.  I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life.  I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it.  I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me.  I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand.  How you hold me when we sleep.  I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.


But you already know these things.


In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know.  I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once:  a lot gets said!


What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.  Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all).  Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling.  Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic.  Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).  


I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work.  How I still get first date butterflies sometimes.  I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky.  How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.


On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...


I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.


You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.  


I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.  


I love you so much husband!  


Thank you for loving me.


Happy one month!


Wifey

Family Matters

Mood:   blessed




Over the weekend I may or may not have (I did) welcomed Jeff into married life by doing the embarrassing wife thing:  matching outfits.


Let's clear some things up.  We didn't wear ONE matching shirt.  We wore (age appropriate) shirts depicting our love for the Chicago Bulls (Malcolm has obvs inherited this love).  


Mine was totally a girl shirt.  Jeff's was the shirt I got him for his birthday (customized with his fav number and his last name) and Malcolm wore one that Jeff got him last year.

Okay so you can't see us all (and our shirts) in this pic....but it's hard to take a family photo with an iphone and one arm with a squirming 2.5 year old.

That's not the point of this post though.

Tonight at dinner Jeff's (and now my) nephew mentioned how he wasn't going to have kids.  Ever.  Or at least until he was financially stable.  Jeff and I said we totally encouraged the plan...but life doesn't often care about the plans you make.

I was NOT going to date anyone with a child, or that lived over 50 miles away from me.  A month later I started talking to the husband.  Both a father...and somebody who lived way farther than I thought I was willing to travel.  I didn't want to marry a father because I knew I was ready to commit and I didn't want to have to say goodbye to 2 people I fell in love with.

Before our first date, Jeff and I agreed to not discuss "big things" until 6 months into dating.

We said "I do" on our 6 month anniversary.

And exactly 2 weeks later we woke up in bed, with his son and the awesome bulldog.  He chatted with us for a bit before standing up and announcing, very seriously, that "he has a butt."  

We all laughed for a good 5 minutes of this new found important declaration...and as I laughed and stayed in bed I felt....

well...

there was an immense happiness that I wasn't sure I would ever feel.  Honestly.  Did I see myself getting married?  Yes.  Did I see myself with a partner this perfect for me?  No.  Did I see myself in some kind of family environment?  Yes.  Did I see myself as a mother instantly? No.  Did I know I had a maternal instinct?  I'm not sure....

The point here is...

the whole weekend all I could think about was how lucky and blessed Jeff and Malcolm (and Yoda) I are to have each other.  And to love each other.

It's in this incredibly simplistic gratitude that I write.  I not only have my (CB) family, but I have my new (Lutjen/Lilland) family...and Malcolm (and Yoda....technically Lilland's).  

I write because quite honestly...as grateful as I am to have been raised by my parents with my brother and sister....I am constantly amazed every single second how fortunate I am to have a second family...and a family of my own.

The little things....a boy announcing (with a spank) a part of his anatomy...can without a shadow of a doubt be the most wonderful things about life.  These smiles, laughs, and (rarely) tears make living not only worthwhile...but enjoyable.  

I look forward to waking up next to Jeff and his back...or his smile...or him telling me he's leaving for work.  And while we plan (....life interrupts these....) on another child one day, for now, I'm beyond content with this amazing family I've managed to find.  And become a part of.

I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.  

I hope that you have a family that reminds you that you are blessed....or that you find one someday...or if you're as lucky as I have been....that you have both. 

I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...

Mood:  zooooooooooooombie


...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...


One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often:  "please forgive this."


If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this.  "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening.  I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails.  There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.


So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage.  I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage.  I kid.  He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours.  I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30.  Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed.  I think I was out by 9.  


I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good.  Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.


Was is the operative word.  


Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...


My parents always supported me in everything I did.  Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%.  Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted.  Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want.  That's a great way to treat a kid.  And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests.  The thing is...it leaves me...well...


I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I feel way behind the curve.  Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering.  I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).  


If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you.  I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly?  I haven't the foggiest.


Again, please forgive this.


It's just...I'm good at a ton of things.  I work retail efficiently, politely, and well.  I am epic with kids.  Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving.  These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career?  I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.


I know it involves allowing me to be creative.  There's writing.  There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday.  Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work. 


This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today.  Yes, 2 hours.  It was for cosmetic sales.  I love cosmetics.  I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother.  I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting.  I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman.  So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.


It was not.  The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me.  They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment.  They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person.  Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics.  While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27.  If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart.  Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.


I know people find their dream careers.  The position that fulfills them.  But do they find it at the expense of other things?  Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?


I'm not sure.  I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities.  I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder.  But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well.  As to how to make that happen?  I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out.  And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it.  From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).


I trust that I'll figure out where I fit.  If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible.  Wish me luck!

Hello, My Name is....

Current Mood:  blissfully happy...and exhausted

...Ashley....and here goes...

If you followed me here from my old blog, thank you.

If you randomly found this blog and decided to read it, again, thank you.  

I've been blogging on and off for about 2 years.  Only the last year has been with any consistency or regularity and I have to say that it has been truly humbling to watch my words impact change in myself and others.  

So here's a little about  me if you haven't read my blogs before:

I write about things that I do everyday.  Like pretty much every other blogger.  I'm not a food blogger.  I have very few crafting tips, and I certainly am not a major fashion blogger.  I love make-up but am sadly NOT an expert, and I honestly blog for personal fulfillment.  

My last blog was a challenge to myself to see how often I could do "nice" things for myself.  Once said thing had been done, I would blog about it...sometimes adding photographic evidence of me being nice to me.

The philosophy behind the blog is simple.  For a lot of us right now, life is hard.  We're facing massive economic uncertainty, a war torn world, injustice, intolerance, and a myriad of personal struggles.  With all of this on our hearts on a daily basis, how do we go about finding some peace?  How do we live in joy?  How can we manage to smile knowing there are teenagers dying over being bullied?  There are people who have never tasted clean water.  There are children for whom an education is quite literally only in their dreams.  

We start small.  We acknowledge we live in an uncomfortable world.  We don't forget the faces, the names, the stories...but we also don't forget to live our own lives.  

What feels like a life-time ago I worked in long-term care.  I once held the hand of a dying resident.  She took her last breath while I was in the room with her.  I remember crying to my mother, and telling her how hard the process had been for me.  I become so obsessed with her dying that the next few days all I could think was "why bother?"  Everything seemed so insignificant compared to the weight of life.  And I remember my mother telling me that the best testament to a life lost, is a life well lived.

A few months later I started my "nice" things blog.  Things sucked.  Life will end one day.  And I needed a reminder that just because the previous two statements are true doesn't mean that I can't be happy.  And that I can't live a good life.  In fact, if anything, it means that I NEED to live a good life.  A happy life.  A life full of living simply, loving, learning, and being open to opportunities as they come.

Which brings me to this new blog.

8 months into writing my blog about taking chances, allowing myself to live, and taking good care of myself I met the man to whom I am now married.  Granted, it's only been 8 days of marriage, but they've been some incredibly amazing days (it doesn't hurt that 5 of them were spent in the Caribbean...).

It seemed fitting to me that with a new man (men really...he comes with a son!!!!), a new name, and a new location...a new blog was in order.  

I have no idea what this blog will be.  A little bit of food.  A little bit of crafting.  A little bit of fashion and make-up.  A little bit of thought.  But mostly, this blog will chronicle my journey into married life.  Into motherhood (I'm learning as I go).  This blog is a blog about loving my life, the people in it, the simple things, and the lessons life teaches you if you are open to learning.

My last blog was a lesson in humility, and I have no doubt that this one will be the same.  But I don't want to limit this blog into one category or niche.  It's a blog about life...aren't they all? 

It's a blog about my life.  

Welcome.  And enjoy!

And as my photographic evidence of doing nice things, a little preview from the honeymoon!