Mood: eh....
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
Showing posts with label careers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label careers. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I REALLY Don't Know How She Does It...
Mood: zooooooooooooombie
...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...
One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often: "please forgive this."
If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this. "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening. I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails. There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.
So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage. I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage. I kid. He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours. I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30. Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed. I think I was out by 9.
I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good. Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.
Was is the operative word.
Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...
My parents always supported me in everything I did. Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%. Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted. Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want. That's a great way to treat a kid. And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests. The thing is...it leaves me...well...
I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I feel way behind the curve. Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering. I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).
If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you. I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly? I haven't the foggiest.
Again, please forgive this.
It's just...I'm good at a ton of things. I work retail efficiently, politely, and well. I am epic with kids. Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving. These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career? I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.
I know it involves allowing me to be creative. There's writing. There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday. Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work.
This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today. Yes, 2 hours. It was for cosmetic sales. I love cosmetics. I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother. I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting. I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman. So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.
It was not. The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me. They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment. They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person. Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics. While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27. If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart. Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.
I know people find their dream careers. The position that fulfills them. But do they find it at the expense of other things? Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?
I'm not sure. I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities. I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder. But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well. As to how to make that happen? I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out. And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it. From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).
I trust that I'll figure out where I fit. If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible. Wish me luck!
...I could never get through the book....I don't plan on seeing the movie...but it does raise a good question about the cost of wanting and having "it all"...
One of my favorite movies is The Darjeeling Limited and there's a line early in it that gets repeated often: "please forgive this."
If you've seen the movie that might make you giggle...if not...then I'm genuinely asking you to please forgive this. "This" being the blog that is going to incoherently ramble...but I feel the need to write this evening. I had an awful migraine earlier and a minor panic attack so between the anxiety meds (that I actually took for the first time in forever) and the added sleep with a pillow over my head and the fact that I feel and look like the walking dead only without cool moaning sound effects....let's just say my train of thought isn't on one set of rails. There's about 3 or 4 mashing up, but I figured with everything going on in my head...it'll be nice to get some of it out.
So the husband is trying to die after only 10 days of marriage. I am ecstatic that he's this excited about marriage. I kid. He's not trying to...he just has some weird allergic reaction that's disrupted his comfort for the past 48 hours. I went to bed early last night, since poor Jeff passed out in a benadryl induced coma around 7:30. Around 8 I convinced him to get into bed. I think I was out by 9.
I woke up this morning feeling super rested, less sinusy than I have in weeks, and generally good. Jeff was feeling better....minus a swollen face (which has since de-puffed)....and I was looking forward to an interview I had today.
Was is the operative word.
Here's the thing...and I know how ridiculous it is to complain about this but bear with me...
My parents always supported me in everything I did. Even if I didn't know it at the time, they were behind me 100%. Sometimes they had a different way of showing it, sometimes they were literally waving pom-poms, and sometimes they were just silent supporters smiling and waving as I went to do whatever it was I thought I needed/wanted. Growing up it was ingrained in me that I can be anything I want. That's a great way to treat a kid. And it gives you so much freedom to pursue tons of interests. The thing is...it leaves me...well...
I'm 27 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I feel way behind the curve. Some of my high school friends had parents that pushed them into medicine, or nursing, or business, or engineering. I had parents who supported my decision to be a cruise director (which I later decided against).
If you asked me what my dream career was....I am not sure I could tell you. I can tell you what my dream life looks like...or at least aspects of it...and it DOES include working...but doing what exactly? I haven't the foggiest.
Again, please forgive this.
It's just...I'm good at a ton of things. I work retail efficiently, politely, and well. I am epic with kids. Food service and I weren't best friends, but I was good at serving. These are all jobs though, and at 27...and with a husband and (step)son...I really need to focus on a career. And why not focus on the dream career? I suppose it's because I have no idea what that is.
I know it involves allowing me to be creative. There's writing. There's a paycheck that allows Jeff and I to comfortably provide for our son, and perhaps another little one someday. Beyond that though, there is a deep feeling of satisfaction and pride in my work.
This brings me back to the 2 hour interview I had earlier today. Yes, 2 hours. It was for cosmetic sales. I love cosmetics. I've been obsessed with them since I could grab things from my mother. I'm a product junkie and I'm constantly trying new things, experimenting. I find doing my make-up seriously enjoyable and fun and relaxing as opposed to something I feel like I'm supposed to do as a woman. So I figured...hey...I have a business degree, some retail experience, and I loooooooooooooove cosmetics so it should be an awesome fit.
It was not. The store manager AND the cosmetics manager both loved me. They loved my look, they raved about my personality, they complimented my demeanor and education, my communication skills...it was a lovely 2 hours but I kept getting told that I was essentially too nice to sell products in a high pressure environment. They offered me (but without any full-time position) the opportunity to be a cosmetic bench person. Sports fans, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I'd be hired as a cashier (associate if we're feeling fancy) in some other department and when they get in a serious jam I get to assist in cosmetics. While I can see where that is a great opportunity for somebody just starting out...I'm 27. If I want to cashier I can go to Target or WalMart. Which I may have to do for a bit just to bring in some money while I'm looking for where I fit.
I know people find their dream careers. The position that fulfills them. But do they find it at the expense of other things? Is there really a way to have it all...the family, the social life (that consists of sushi and movies for Jeff and I), the money, the job....is it seriously possible?
I'm not sure. I think it's a matter of figuring out your priorities. I know I'm more oriented towards family and a good home life than making my way up the corporate ladder. But that doesn't mean I don't want a career to be proud of as well. As to how to make that happen? I have no clue...hence the rambling...but I'm willing to work to figure it out. And as annoying as the supportive "you can do whatever you want" can be...I'm glad I have it. From the parents, the siblings, the husband...I can't imagine life without this network of support (dysfunctional as it may be some days...).
I trust that I'll figure out where I fit. If I can find a husband this epic (even if he is trying to get out via death...) then a career can't be impossible. Wish me luck!
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