Mood: contemplative
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
Showing posts with label happily ever after. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happily ever after. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sick Day
Mood: hopeful
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Just Dance...
Mood: nostalgic
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
Monday, December 26, 2011
3 Day Weekend
Mood: relaxed
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Bah Humbug...
Mood: ....no that's too strong, for it is my favorite holiday......
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)