Tis the Season

Mood:  exhausted...happy




I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged.  Unacceptable.  


So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.


I'm still loving my job teaching preschool.  It's so fun!  Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around.  I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two.  Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it.  A lot.


The husband has just accepted a new job.  He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity.  He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.  


We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us.  Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son.  We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more.  Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.


Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude.  Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm.  It was wonderful.  We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic.  To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.  


It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy.  I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I.  Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss.  My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.


This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have.  As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am.  I hope you are able to feel the same!

Transformers

Mood:  "more than meets the eye..." seriously though, I feel transformed


*Disclaimer*  This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers


When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical.  I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday.  The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.


I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products.  The skincare line, the hair care...amazing.  When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon.  It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot.  More than I'd care to admit right now.  As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build.  The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.  


So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses.  And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done.  On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog.  I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home.  As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines.  Ummmm....fate much?


So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever.  Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is?  Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting.  You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins.  Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.



I had 2 hours of complete bliss.  Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed.  And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed.  Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!  


Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):

and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:

Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first.  And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.


Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland.  And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead.  I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!

"This is Because..."

Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."


In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11.  Let me tell you how I spent this day.


I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him.  I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady.  I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work.  When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there.  I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me.  With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed.  Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband!  So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.


That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work.  I started to feel...off...then.  And it's only gotten worse.  I did 2 loads of laundry.  I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy.  I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out.  I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out.  I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.  


However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music.  The universal language.


When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine.  Listen to music.  Music speaks when I can't.  Then I write.  Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right.  If that still doesn't work I write more.  I draw and color prayers.  I read.  I think.  I allow myself to feel.


Anyway.  So I did the whole listening to music thing.  I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile.  Talk about a backfire.  Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night.  The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional.  Jeff and I used:

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder

Maybe - Everlast

Marry You - Bruno Mars

Love Story - Taylor Swift

Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty

As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music.  The song was a no-brainer since  I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it.  It wouldn't go away.  I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."

The blog title and mood are taken from the song.  One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate.  I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it.  The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me.  It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself.  Tonight is one of those nights.  This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.

Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.

I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times.  They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show.  It's a 10 minute song.  Every time I've seen them live, they've played it.  Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played.  And I smiled.  The song has such emotional ties for me.  It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch.  I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships.  Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly.  Others?  Not so much.

I had a best friend once.  I don't befriend women easily.  We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down.  So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up?  I embrace them with everything I have.  I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse.  If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give.  That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again.  I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.

As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her.  Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person.  I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway.  Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently.  Or better.  Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.  

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen.  I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do.  I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling.  So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband.  Goodbye 11-11-11.   

 

Is This the Real Life...

Mood:  "is this just fantasy?"  exhausted...happy...motivated






When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life.  She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses."  She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent.  Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on.  She hugged and laughed and played with her students.  I've never forgotten her.  Or the impact she had on my life.  So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher.  I wanted to be that teacher.  The one that made a difference.  The one that people remember fondly years later.   


22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center.  I applied for the position for a few reasons.  The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children.  So...daycare it was.  When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center.  The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident.  The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.  


Which brings me to today.  The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill.  I was the lucky one who got to fill in.  Those kids made my entire week.  Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome.  As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher.  I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.


Which got me thinking.  It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself.  It's every day that I wake up.  I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff.  Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married.  I am a mommy.  I am a member of a new family.  And now?  I am a teacher.  I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children.  Of preparing them for school.  It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.  


As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling.  I am so insanely blessed.  I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in  my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.

"My Wife, the Cheap Date"

Mood:  grateful...nostalgic




The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night.  On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life.  This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date.  However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business.  Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.




While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up.  I mean...really grow up.  I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now).  The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me.  Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES!  It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.


I love working with kids.  I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still.  Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated?  Of course.  But I'm still happy.  I love the kids I work with and for.  And the daycare center is amazing.  And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is.  How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.


Here's why.  The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes.  Last night's date also served to drive that point home.  Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday.  And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense.  Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details.  It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen.  It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter.  These are the moments that make life...well...life.  And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family.  You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that.  Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.  


These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless.  Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe.  And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.  


My parents are missing out on being grandparents.  They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers.  They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because.  The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day.  If only for the fact that they aren't shared.  


Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement.  Not miserable...sad.  Nostalgic definitely.  Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast.  Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table. 


This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy.  Jeff and I decided a date was in order.  And this is how the blog came to be.  Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged.  In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do.  2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy.  Drunk?  Nope.  Buzzed?  Perhaps.  Happy and loose lipped?  Definitely.  


It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week.  Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date.  Do I miss my family?  More than I can say.  Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there?  Far too many to count.  But I really can't complain about life right now.  It's pretty sweet.  And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....

All I Want is My Mommy

Mood:  exhausted


There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do.  Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of.  And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.


Here's what went down.  He got himself in trouble on the playground.  While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically.  As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source.  I squatted and asked if he was okay.  He was not.  He missed his mommy.  I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy.  There was not.  I told him I would be there if he changed his mind.  He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."


It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too.  And it hit me hard. 


It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at.  I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility.  I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day.  I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out.  Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office.  So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.


And I could not be more in love with the stepson.  Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.


Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more.  There are big things happening right now.  And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things.  We can't meet for lunch if we have time.  I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.

When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded.  It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals.  He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted.  I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away.  "How far away?"  Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away.  He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."


I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away.  An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.


It sucks to grow up.  There are some really awesome perks.  Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better.  Having a (step)son?  Can't even describe how awesome it is.  Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...


I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids.  And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia.  And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier.  And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family.  And especially my Mommy sometimes.  Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy.  The little boy knew this.  And I knew this.  And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore. 

(this picture was mommy performing the Celtic salt ceremony...which we did instead of a unity candle...at our wedding)

What A Difference A Day Makes

Mood:  blessed


Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights.  Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time.  And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme.  I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work.  From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown.  In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy.  Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food).  Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv.  She'd even rub my back.  


To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa.  The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.


Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself.  Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.


Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun.  That's a huge understatement.  The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.


Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight.  It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain.  I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet.  And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.


One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm.  Always.  Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.


Tonight is no different.  I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year.  Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas.  I'm still anxious.  I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband.  And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night.  I get to get ready for work with him.  Laugh with him.  Pack lunches next to each other.


I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger.  They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible.  And Caitlyn continued that until last year.  


It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday.  Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........


I hope you all had a great weekend.  And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.


Have a happy Monday!