I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body, there's things I'll take to my grave. But I'm okay. I'm okay. It's been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried....it's not okay, but it's alright.
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm 5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower 6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines 7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day 10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day 1:00pm...lunch break 2:00pm...return to work 4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up 5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
