Sick Day

Mood:  hopeful


I took today off.  I called and said exactly what's wrong with me:  I'm not me today.  I haven't been in over a week.  And I hate it.  I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog.  Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.


I'm a pretty happy person.  Dramatic?  Definitely.  Sad?  At times.  I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression.  I used to be angry all the time.  Harboring resentment and nasty feelings.  It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.


So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself.  I've continued to do those nice things...until lately.  Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department.  I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.  


I woke up this morning crying.  Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed.  I showered.  My chest felt as though a house was on top of it.  And I couldn't go any further than that shower.  I called my boss.  I sent texts to coworkers.  I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping.  And then I stopped.


I have written in my journal.  I've done laundry.  I attempted a nap.  I've listened to some music.  Defragged my computer.  Screwed around on Pinterest.  And that's what I needed to do today.  I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight.  I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*


And here's the nicest thing I've done all day.  I've set my mind to stopping the sad.  The issues causing the feelings won't disappear.  But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day.  Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing.  There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear.  Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way.  I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb.  And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.  


So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley.  For a while anyway.  Will I still be sad?  Of course.  But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying.  I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh.  I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.  


I know I won't succeed every single step of the way.  And I know I'll slip back into sad.  But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids.  I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide.  I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love.  And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything.  I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.

*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!

Next Step...

Mood:  "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."




Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4.  Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax.  Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.


That was the day I dreamed about.  That was not, however, the way my day went.  I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff.  An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family.  I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.  


For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work.  I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying.  Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff.  It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side.  And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.


I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations.  The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.  


It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written.  I need it out.  And the journal just didn't do it for me.


I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing.  With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation. 


While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously.  I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...


Only today, I lost hope.  Truly.  I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited.  I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger.  And they've come back to haunt me already...twice.  I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.


I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second.  It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.  


But I don't want to.  I have a life I've worked hard to build.  A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard.  A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today.  A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love.  And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.


With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is.  And I do mean my very next step.  One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear.  The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings.  And then the next?  I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing.  Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do.  And no idea what I want to do. 


I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet.  I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.


Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other.  One breath in and out.  And trust that we know what we're doing.

Just Dance...

Mood:  nostalgic


No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.


The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world.  The Barbie that you just HAD to have.  The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me.  The jeans I couldn't quite fit into.  The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers.  The lack of attention from males.  The desire to be kissed.  The longing for a boyfriend.  The having the first boyfriend.  The primping before prom.


Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all.  I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.


The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own.  Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready.  I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily.  I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...


I still feel like that lost little girl.  Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair.  The one who had never been kissed.  The one who still has never had a Valentine.


I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?  


I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant.  Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me.  And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent.  Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?


I've been married for just under 4 months.  And I couldn't be happier.  But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.


I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions.  And doubts.  And fears.  I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.  


I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably.  She keeps me humble.  And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...




What really matters, though, is who I am today.  Who I will  be tomorrow.  And who I know I can be.  


Who I want to be.  


I'll get there.  In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream.  And honestly?  I think that's exactly how it should be.  

2012...

Mood:  meh....


It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon.  I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt.  I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart:  The True Story of a Secret Life.  And it's been a fantastic day.  The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done.  Nothing.  No errands that can't wait.  No holiday events or parties.  No bank runs or grocery runs.  Nothing.  


And it feels phenomenal.  And indulgent.  And sooooooooo odd.  And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.


I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy.  And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do.  I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time.  But, secretly, I hate it as well.  For a few reasons.  The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS.  I've been having really depressing PMS lately.  Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself.  I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"


Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling?  It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine.  But you don't.  You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting.  I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful.  There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."


Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do.  I've stayed busy reading.  Wasting time online.  Doing laundry.  Talking with the husband.  Watching tv.  Showering.  It's just...I don't know.  


I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good.  Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing.  All weekend.  I do.  And I don't.  I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun.  Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING.  Something just to force me out of my own funk.  


I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter.  And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!).  Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.  


If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!).  Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.


And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out.  Cold or not.  Overwhelmed or not.  Just for a bit.  And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.

I'm Fine

Mood:  eh....


Today was rough.  It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley.  I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.  


Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons.  I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives.  And I really truly do love what I am doing right now.  Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting.  That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday.  And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.


Anyway.  Work was...work today.  Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen.  And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either.  Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work.  But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together.  Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.  


While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account.  The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.  


I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab."  I like to do things that I know will upset me.  I don't know exactly why.  Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out.  Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows?  So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director.  Well, the one she set up for the church.  


I knew they had one.  I found that out quite a few months ago.  She shares my name.  She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids.  I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director.  It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.  


And that hurts.  It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not.  I know that I miss having a title.  And I know that I miss having my own office.  I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of.  Education was stressed in my family.  Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy.  That's pretty much what I thought would happen.  I have the college degree.  I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though.  And with that came the money.  


The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy.  And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life?  I mean,  I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to.  I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa.  I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what.  I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing.  And I do have a job I like.  Very much.


I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at.  It's okay to want more and be ambitious.  But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life.  If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met.  If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.  


There is nothing wrong with where I am in life.  I know that.  In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience.  So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?  


It's just one of the demons I fight in myself.  I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card.  And it's something I'll continue to fight.  I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.  


Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.  


And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.  


And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight.  I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.

3 Day Weekend

Mood:  relaxed


I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband.  It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated.  And it flew by...


Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am.  When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman.  Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them.  We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom.  I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is.  Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year.  Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours.  Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.


Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am.  When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner.  Chili and potato soup...yummy.  We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents.  It was quite the haul under the tree this year...

Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game.  With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point!  Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.


Today we did laundry.  All day.  We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.  


I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...

...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband.  Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season.  Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts.  And perhaps it just never will this year.  It's okay.


I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family.  I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.  


I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next!  Happy Holidays from Iowa!

Peace Be With You...

Mood:  content




I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.


Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off.  Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning.  At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present!  I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something.  I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well!  I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):

Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl?  Delicious!


Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us.  It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain.  Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff.  When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:

I swear I was not as angry as that photo may look.  Anyway.  When I got to dinner with Jeff I looked like this:

It's insane what a good Smashbox lip gloss, sparkly Givenchy earrings, a pretty jewel colored sweater, and some trusty Bare Escentuals makeup can do in 15 minutes...or less!  Plus having low lighting doesn't hurt...


Anyway.  I had an amazing day.  Was it always happy?  No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown).  I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.


It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing.  I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay.  And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary.  This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I.  We have a list of movies we want to watch including:  Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing.  We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive.  And that's okay.  In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.


I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about.  Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that.  Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things.  I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed.  I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family.  I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!).  I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.

But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity.  I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.  


I pray you've found it.  And if you don't...it's okay.  You have tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the day after that.  After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.  


Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....