All I Want is My Mommy

Mood:  exhausted


There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do.  Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of.  And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.


Here's what went down.  He got himself in trouble on the playground.  While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically.  As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source.  I squatted and asked if he was okay.  He was not.  He missed his mommy.  I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy.  There was not.  I told him I would be there if he changed his mind.  He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."


It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too.  And it hit me hard. 


It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at.  I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility.  I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day.  I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out.  Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office.  So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.


And I could not be more in love with the stepson.  Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.


Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more.  There are big things happening right now.  And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things.  We can't meet for lunch if we have time.  I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.

When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded.  It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals.  He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted.  I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away.  "How far away?"  Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away.  He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."


I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away.  An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.


It sucks to grow up.  There are some really awesome perks.  Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better.  Having a (step)son?  Can't even describe how awesome it is.  Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...


I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids.  And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia.  And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier.  And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family.  And especially my Mommy sometimes.  Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy.  The little boy knew this.  And I knew this.  And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore. 

(this picture was mommy performing the Celtic salt ceremony...which we did instead of a unity candle...at our wedding)

What A Difference A Day Makes

Mood:  blessed


Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights.  Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time.  And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme.  I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work.  From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown.  In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy.  Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food).  Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv.  She'd even rub my back.  


To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa.  The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.


Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself.  Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.


Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun.  That's a huge understatement.  The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.


Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight.  It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain.  I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet.  And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.


One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm.  Always.  Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.


Tonight is no different.  I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year.  Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas.  I'm still anxious.  I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband.  And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night.  I get to get ready for work with him.  Laugh with him.  Pack lunches next to each other.


I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger.  They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible.  And Caitlyn continued that until last year.  


It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday.  Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........


I hope you all had a great weekend.  And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.


Have a happy Monday!

Sometimes Everything is Wrong...

Mood:  ....now it's time to sing along.......everybody hurtssssssss


Spoiler:  the title is emo...the post is not.




It's been one of those days.  Well, to be honest...it's been one of those days for a little over a week now.  You know those days.  The ones where nothing goes wrong, nothing catastrophic happens, nothing really noteworthy at all occurs...in fact some good things happen, and there are some happy moments...but you still just feel...meh?  Yeah, those days.


I find these days incredibly frustrating.  Having lived with depression for nearly 17 years I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with my body.  I can feel myself starting to slip into a funk...and I get so annoyed when I know that's what's happening...but there's absolutely no reason behind it.  At all.


Let's start with last weekend...when the nagging feeling of not being okay set in.  The husband was on call, so we started Saturday by heading in to his office.  He stayed pretty busy all day but we managed to do some grocery shopping (which for some reason I find delightful) and had a pretty good day.  Sunday...slow day at work so we baked together.  Jeff really wanted to try the rum cake from the Caribbean (daddy yours will be on the way soon!) but because of the dairy allergy was unable to.  He researched recipes until he found one without any dairy and we decided to test it.  Can I just tell you how amazing it tasted and how much fun it was to bake as a couple?


Sunday ended with the season premiere of The Walking Dead and we followed that by our new obsession, Homeland.  It was an amazing end to the weekend.  




Monday I got a job.  Major yay! since I was starting to seriously freak out about not having one...and interviews weren't even being offered anymore.  Wednesday the husband and I headed to the old apartment and emptied it.  Well...he emptied it and I cleaned/packed.  It feels awesome to have that done and not over my head anymore.  I'm so happy to have all my things (okay most of my things) in one place.  


Thursday I started the job.  Last night we got the boy.  


I woke up this morning to a discussion between Jeff and Malcolm about autobots and something unknown and undecipherable...all I know is that I woke up feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.  To have two boys in bed with me that I love...it's a feeling I honestly have no words for.  From there the day went a bit askew....but picked up again.


Malcolm and Mom and Daddy played.  We all shot each other.  We ran around outside.  We watched Optimus Prime defeat evil once again...


So...


Why am I still upset?  Why do I have this constant feeling of being unsettled and unhappy and...anxious?  


I have a few ideas.  And some concrete things that are upsetting...but nothing that would warrant depression.  My life is pretty damn good right now.  I couldn't be happier with married life.  I have the BEST time baking and watching tv with Jeff.  Work is chaotic...but I love working with kids and I'm honestly just grateful to be employed once again.  Jeff and I get to spend this weekend and next weekend with the boy.  I'm eating healthier.  I'm staying active. I'm honestly insanely blessed and happy.


I know this.  I acknowledge this.  And I still feel...like crap.


The REALLY crappy thing about feeling so unsettled and generally sad for no reason...is that you know you're sad for NO REASON.  Which makes you feel worse for feeling bad when you know you shouldn't feel bad...


It's a nasty little cycle.


I'm taking my meds.  I'm writing.  I colored today.  I'm talking to Jeff.


But the depression is settling...at least for now.  


So here's what I promise to myself:  I'll continue to deal with the sadness and the uneasiness the only way I know how...to move forward one foot at a time and to keep looking for the good things...no matter how small or how simple (like wearing a purple scarf to stand united against bullying, ignorance, and intolerance)...

To My Husband...

Mood:  in love...


Warning:  the following post will be sappy.


Husband - 


Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.


Happy anniversary!


I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you.  Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural.  I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life.  I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it.  I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me.  I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand.  How you hold me when we sleep.  I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.


But you already know these things.


In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know.  I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once:  a lot gets said!


What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.  Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all).  Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling.  Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic.  Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).  


I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work.  How I still get first date butterflies sometimes.  I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky.  How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.


On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...


I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.


You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.  


I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.  


I love you so much husband!  


Thank you for loving me.


Happy one month!


Wifey

Home is....

Mood:  unsure


I really wanted to blog last night.  And I really didn't want to blog last night.


I wanted to write down what had happened during the day (that's coming) and how I felt.  There were so many emotions ranging from blessed to pissed to terrified...but I was so drained after yesterday that it was all I could do to write in my journal and try not to fall asleep while Jeff and I watched old episodes of The Simpsons.  Like vintage episodes...the one where Homer finds Mindy and sings the song to Marge about a turkey...and he makes up the name Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabado (spelling?).  


Anyway.  So here's my fun story about yesterday....and what it means for me today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.


So Jeff had the day off.  We left in the morning to deposit some checks into his (soon to be our) account.  Then we hit the road to Early to move as much as we could out of my old apartment.  An hour into the drive I realize I didn't bring my apartment keys with me.  Oooops.  We turn around.  About 10 minutes into turning around Jeff realizes he has the key I gave him (even though he NEVER needed it cause I was always here...).  We turn around again.


We make it to Early without any further disruption.  I spend a good 2 or 3 hours with Jeff helping bag donations and trash while packing clothes I plan on keeping.  Jeff moved some of the heavier stuff outside for me and then we decide we're starving so we head to Storm Lake.


Having been craving Chinese, we head to the buffet (it's about all Jeff can eat in Storm Lake anyway....) and enjoy a lovely lunch.  We talk about life.  About how I'm missing my friends and family back home.  About the apartment.  About me getting a job.


When we're finished eating we get in the car and head back to Early. 


We get a few miles outside of town and we're chatting when I see something in the road on a hill coming up.  I ask Jeff what it is.  It looks like a tire, which he tells me...and it does.  There's a car in the oncoming lane and two RIGHT behind me.  So I'm forced to either drive down into the ditch or just hope I don't run over the "tire" too hard.


Spoiler alert:  IT WASN'T A TIRE.  In fact...there were two pieces of brake from a semi.  I get us off to the side of the road.  The rear passenger tire:  BLOWN.  The car?  Leaking something.  Call AAA.  Wait.  Get car to shop.


Hear the word "transmission" and I promptly use the shop's restroom to throw up.  Seriously.  I'm not working right now.  Jeff is supporting us while paying child support.  We are paying rent on two places this month (damn me not moving out sooner!) and trying to figure out how to merge accounts and insurance and all the fun business that comes with being newly married.


From there the day is rather uneventful.  We walk from the shop where we leave my car and pray that it's just the transmission pan and not an actual blow to the transmission...and head to my grandparent's hoping they will let us borrow their second car in order to get back to Ankeny.  We get there, chat, thank them profusely and drive off.  Pick up all the crap we managed to pack from the apt in Early and begin the 2.5 hour drive back to Ankeny.  At 6pm.  It's already been a long day since we left the house right after 9.


Did I mention it was Jeff's ONE day off since we came back from the honeymoon?


Once we get home...we watch DVDs...I pass out.


Since last night I've replayed yesterday in my head.  And I've been dealing with all kinds of emotions.


As I was already missing family/friends...that pain got worse.  Though Jeff and I got lucky and it was a really insignificant accident in the grand scheme of things...it sucks that I had no mom or dad to hug when I got home.  Not even got home...cause I did...as Jeff's mom is now my mine...but what I mean is...the fact that I don't even have the option to run home for a hug hurts.  And when things like that happen....really unexpected, scary things....it sucks that my family is so far away.  I know it's cliche and all, but it does really make you think.  I've spent a good part of today wondering what I would have done had there been a serious injury.  Or worse.  What would my last words have been to my mom?  My dad?  My sister...I mean...


I called them all Sunday...but we're all adults.  Life is busy.  


On the positive side of this, there was immense joy in yesterday.  Jeff manages to keep me calm.  Or as calm as I can be.  I'm always great in the face of serious danger on the road.  I stay calm, and I do what I need to do.  I once had the hood of my first ever car (the family minivan) fly up while I was driving...who knew that really did happen?!?  Anyway.  After yesterday's accident had happened and AAA had been called my mind was racing with worst case, end of the world scenarios.  We won't have enough money to eat.  How are we going to pay anybody any rent?  I'm never going to find a job (I've been unlucky thus far).


But Jeff?  He remained so calm that I had to calm down.  He even had me laughing.  By the time we finally made it back to Ankeny I was still terrified of the cost (it wasn't pretty....but it was nowhere near what it could have been) but I was so much more in love with my husband.


We are so in sync.  We keep each other balanced.  And we manage to find good in everything.  Nobody was hurt yesterday.  It was seriously a no fault accident.  We had each other there to go through it with.  And we did get through it.  Every second that has passed since then I've been reminding myself how lucky I am to have this man next to my side.  To be my family now.


That being said...here's where I'm at tonight...


I know that growing up and moving away and getting married shifts family dynamics.  I'm more than aware.  And honestly, if a marriage didn't shift the family dynamics a bit I'd be worried.  My dad will always be the first man I ever loved, but, he's no longer the one that I call with emergencies (even if it's an "Ashley" emergency like...the interweb hates me or I don't know how to fill out a form...).  


So I didn't expect things to NOT change.  But...I'm not sure I expected to feel how I do now.  And I don't know that I can quite put a word to the feeling.  I'm...I just don't know.


I feel so disconnected from my PA family...and it makes me...angry?  Definitely sad.  But I don't know how to make that feeling go away.  Or when/if it's supposed to.  Once you grow up and get married and are "on your own" are you supposed to kind of let go of other family?  That's how it always looked to me when I was growing up, but....


So I'm waiting for Jeff to get home today and writing this blog.  And I'm blinking back tears.  I can't tell if they're happy or sad.  Maybe a little of both I guess.


I guess yesterday was certainly a reminder of how very human we all are.  I know that there was not a single scratch (okay the seat belt did scratch my chest) on Jeff or I...but there's just...so much...uncertainty.  And so little that we humans can actually control.  It was a scary reminder of how far I am from some of the most important people in my life.  And it sucked.  And it didn't.  Jeff and his smile and his actions and his words and his reassurance only served to remind me of how insanely lucky I am to have found somebody that loves me as much as he does.  And that wants to take care of me forever.  I didn't need a new tire and transmission pan to make me realize that...but it certainly drove (did you see what I did there?) the point home.


Never forget the little blessings that fill your life.  Ever.  

Family Matters

Mood:   blessed




Over the weekend I may or may not have (I did) welcomed Jeff into married life by doing the embarrassing wife thing:  matching outfits.


Let's clear some things up.  We didn't wear ONE matching shirt.  We wore (age appropriate) shirts depicting our love for the Chicago Bulls (Malcolm has obvs inherited this love).  


Mine was totally a girl shirt.  Jeff's was the shirt I got him for his birthday (customized with his fav number and his last name) and Malcolm wore one that Jeff got him last year.

Okay so you can't see us all (and our shirts) in this pic....but it's hard to take a family photo with an iphone and one arm with a squirming 2.5 year old.

That's not the point of this post though.

Tonight at dinner Jeff's (and now my) nephew mentioned how he wasn't going to have kids.  Ever.  Or at least until he was financially stable.  Jeff and I said we totally encouraged the plan...but life doesn't often care about the plans you make.

I was NOT going to date anyone with a child, or that lived over 50 miles away from me.  A month later I started talking to the husband.  Both a father...and somebody who lived way farther than I thought I was willing to travel.  I didn't want to marry a father because I knew I was ready to commit and I didn't want to have to say goodbye to 2 people I fell in love with.

Before our first date, Jeff and I agreed to not discuss "big things" until 6 months into dating.

We said "I do" on our 6 month anniversary.

And exactly 2 weeks later we woke up in bed, with his son and the awesome bulldog.  He chatted with us for a bit before standing up and announcing, very seriously, that "he has a butt."  

We all laughed for a good 5 minutes of this new found important declaration...and as I laughed and stayed in bed I felt....

well...

there was an immense happiness that I wasn't sure I would ever feel.  Honestly.  Did I see myself getting married?  Yes.  Did I see myself with a partner this perfect for me?  No.  Did I see myself in some kind of family environment?  Yes.  Did I see myself as a mother instantly? No.  Did I know I had a maternal instinct?  I'm not sure....

The point here is...

the whole weekend all I could think about was how lucky and blessed Jeff and Malcolm (and Yoda) I are to have each other.  And to love each other.

It's in this incredibly simplistic gratitude that I write.  I not only have my (CB) family, but I have my new (Lutjen/Lilland) family...and Malcolm (and Yoda....technically Lilland's).  

I write because quite honestly...as grateful as I am to have been raised by my parents with my brother and sister....I am constantly amazed every single second how fortunate I am to have a second family...and a family of my own.

The little things....a boy announcing (with a spank) a part of his anatomy...can without a shadow of a doubt be the most wonderful things about life.  These smiles, laughs, and (rarely) tears make living not only worthwhile...but enjoyable.  

I look forward to waking up next to Jeff and his back...or his smile...or him telling me he's leaving for work.  And while we plan (....life interrupts these....) on another child one day, for now, I'm beyond content with this amazing family I've managed to find.  And become a part of.

I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.  

I hope that you have a family that reminds you that you are blessed....or that you find one someday...or if you're as lucky as I have been....that you have both.