Mood: eh....
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
3 Day Weekend
Mood: relaxed
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Peace Be With You...
Mood: content
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
It's insane what a good Smashbox lip gloss, sparkly Givenchy earrings, a pretty jewel colored sweater, and some trusty Bare Escentuals makeup can do in 15 minutes...or less! Plus having low lighting doesn't hurt...
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
I swear I was not as angry as that photo may look. Anyway. When I got to dinner with Jeff I looked like this:
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
Friday, December 16, 2011
Bah Humbug...
Mood: ....no that's too strong, for it is my favorite holiday......
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Blue Christmas
Mood: meh
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
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