"This is Because..."

Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."


In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11.  Let me tell you how I spent this day.


I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him.  I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady.  I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work.  When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there.  I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me.  With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed.  Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband!  So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.


That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work.  I started to feel...off...then.  And it's only gotten worse.  I did 2 loads of laundry.  I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy.  I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out.  I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out.  I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.  


However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music.  The universal language.


When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine.  Listen to music.  Music speaks when I can't.  Then I write.  Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right.  If that still doesn't work I write more.  I draw and color prayers.  I read.  I think.  I allow myself to feel.


Anyway.  So I did the whole listening to music thing.  I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile.  Talk about a backfire.  Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night.  The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional.  Jeff and I used:

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder

Maybe - Everlast

Marry You - Bruno Mars

Love Story - Taylor Swift

Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty

As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music.  The song was a no-brainer since  I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it.  It wouldn't go away.  I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."

The blog title and mood are taken from the song.  One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate.  I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it.  The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me.  It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself.  Tonight is one of those nights.  This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.

Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.

I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times.  They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show.  It's a 10 minute song.  Every time I've seen them live, they've played it.  Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played.  And I smiled.  The song has such emotional ties for me.  It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch.  I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships.  Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly.  Others?  Not so much.

I had a best friend once.  I don't befriend women easily.  We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down.  So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up?  I embrace them with everything I have.  I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse.  If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give.  That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again.  I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.

As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her.  Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person.  I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway.  Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently.  Or better.  Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.  

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen.  I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do.  I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling.  So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband.  Goodbye 11-11-11.   

 

Is This the Real Life...

Mood:  "is this just fantasy?"  exhausted...happy...motivated






When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life.  She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses."  She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent.  Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on.  She hugged and laughed and played with her students.  I've never forgotten her.  Or the impact she had on my life.  So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher.  I wanted to be that teacher.  The one that made a difference.  The one that people remember fondly years later.   


22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center.  I applied for the position for a few reasons.  The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children.  So...daycare it was.  When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center.  The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident.  The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.  


Which brings me to today.  The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill.  I was the lucky one who got to fill in.  Those kids made my entire week.  Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome.  As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher.  I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.


Which got me thinking.  It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself.  It's every day that I wake up.  I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff.  Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married.  I am a mommy.  I am a member of a new family.  And now?  I am a teacher.  I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children.  Of preparing them for school.  It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.  


As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling.  I am so insanely blessed.  I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in  my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.

"My Wife, the Cheap Date"

Mood:  grateful...nostalgic




The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night.  On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life.  This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date.  However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business.  Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.




While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up.  I mean...really grow up.  I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now).  The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me.  Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES!  It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.


I love working with kids.  I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still.  Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated?  Of course.  But I'm still happy.  I love the kids I work with and for.  And the daycare center is amazing.  And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is.  How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.


Here's why.  The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes.  Last night's date also served to drive that point home.  Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday.  And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense.  Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details.  It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen.  It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter.  These are the moments that make life...well...life.  And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family.  You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that.  Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.  


These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless.  Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe.  And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.  


My parents are missing out on being grandparents.  They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers.  They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because.  The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day.  If only for the fact that they aren't shared.  


Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement.  Not miserable...sad.  Nostalgic definitely.  Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast.  Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table. 


This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy.  Jeff and I decided a date was in order.  And this is how the blog came to be.  Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged.  In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do.  2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy.  Drunk?  Nope.  Buzzed?  Perhaps.  Happy and loose lipped?  Definitely.  


It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week.  Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date.  Do I miss my family?  More than I can say.  Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there?  Far too many to count.  But I really can't complain about life right now.  It's pretty sweet.  And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....

All I Want is My Mommy

Mood:  exhausted


There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do.  Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of.  And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.


Here's what went down.  He got himself in trouble on the playground.  While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically.  As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source.  I squatted and asked if he was okay.  He was not.  He missed his mommy.  I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy.  There was not.  I told him I would be there if he changed his mind.  He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."


It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too.  And it hit me hard. 


It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at.  I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility.  I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day.  I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out.  Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office.  So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.


And I could not be more in love with the stepson.  Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.


Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more.  There are big things happening right now.  And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things.  We can't meet for lunch if we have time.  I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.

When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded.  It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals.  He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted.  I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away.  "How far away?"  Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away.  He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."


I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away.  An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.


It sucks to grow up.  There are some really awesome perks.  Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better.  Having a (step)son?  Can't even describe how awesome it is.  Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...


I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids.  And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia.  And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier.  And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family.  And especially my Mommy sometimes.  Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy.  The little boy knew this.  And I knew this.  And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore. 

(this picture was mommy performing the Celtic salt ceremony...which we did instead of a unity candle...at our wedding)

What A Difference A Day Makes

Mood:  blessed


Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights.  Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time.  And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme.  I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work.  From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown.  In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy.  Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food).  Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv.  She'd even rub my back.  


To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa.  The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.


Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself.  Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.


Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun.  That's a huge understatement.  The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.


Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight.  It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain.  I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet.  And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.


One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm.  Always.  Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.


Tonight is no different.  I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year.  Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas.  I'm still anxious.  I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband.  And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night.  I get to get ready for work with him.  Laugh with him.  Pack lunches next to each other.


I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger.  They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible.  And Caitlyn continued that until last year.  


It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday.  Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........


I hope you all had a great weekend.  And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.


Have a happy Monday!

Sometimes Everything is Wrong...

Mood:  ....now it's time to sing along.......everybody hurtssssssss


Spoiler:  the title is emo...the post is not.




It's been one of those days.  Well, to be honest...it's been one of those days for a little over a week now.  You know those days.  The ones where nothing goes wrong, nothing catastrophic happens, nothing really noteworthy at all occurs...in fact some good things happen, and there are some happy moments...but you still just feel...meh?  Yeah, those days.


I find these days incredibly frustrating.  Having lived with depression for nearly 17 years I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with my body.  I can feel myself starting to slip into a funk...and I get so annoyed when I know that's what's happening...but there's absolutely no reason behind it.  At all.


Let's start with last weekend...when the nagging feeling of not being okay set in.  The husband was on call, so we started Saturday by heading in to his office.  He stayed pretty busy all day but we managed to do some grocery shopping (which for some reason I find delightful) and had a pretty good day.  Sunday...slow day at work so we baked together.  Jeff really wanted to try the rum cake from the Caribbean (daddy yours will be on the way soon!) but because of the dairy allergy was unable to.  He researched recipes until he found one without any dairy and we decided to test it.  Can I just tell you how amazing it tasted and how much fun it was to bake as a couple?


Sunday ended with the season premiere of The Walking Dead and we followed that by our new obsession, Homeland.  It was an amazing end to the weekend.  




Monday I got a job.  Major yay! since I was starting to seriously freak out about not having one...and interviews weren't even being offered anymore.  Wednesday the husband and I headed to the old apartment and emptied it.  Well...he emptied it and I cleaned/packed.  It feels awesome to have that done and not over my head anymore.  I'm so happy to have all my things (okay most of my things) in one place.  


Thursday I started the job.  Last night we got the boy.  


I woke up this morning to a discussion between Jeff and Malcolm about autobots and something unknown and undecipherable...all I know is that I woke up feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.  To have two boys in bed with me that I love...it's a feeling I honestly have no words for.  From there the day went a bit askew....but picked up again.


Malcolm and Mom and Daddy played.  We all shot each other.  We ran around outside.  We watched Optimus Prime defeat evil once again...


So...


Why am I still upset?  Why do I have this constant feeling of being unsettled and unhappy and...anxious?  


I have a few ideas.  And some concrete things that are upsetting...but nothing that would warrant depression.  My life is pretty damn good right now.  I couldn't be happier with married life.  I have the BEST time baking and watching tv with Jeff.  Work is chaotic...but I love working with kids and I'm honestly just grateful to be employed once again.  Jeff and I get to spend this weekend and next weekend with the boy.  I'm eating healthier.  I'm staying active. I'm honestly insanely blessed and happy.


I know this.  I acknowledge this.  And I still feel...like crap.


The REALLY crappy thing about feeling so unsettled and generally sad for no reason...is that you know you're sad for NO REASON.  Which makes you feel worse for feeling bad when you know you shouldn't feel bad...


It's a nasty little cycle.


I'm taking my meds.  I'm writing.  I colored today.  I'm talking to Jeff.


But the depression is settling...at least for now.  


So here's what I promise to myself:  I'll continue to deal with the sadness and the uneasiness the only way I know how...to move forward one foot at a time and to keep looking for the good things...no matter how small or how simple (like wearing a purple scarf to stand united against bullying, ignorance, and intolerance)...

To My Husband...

Mood:  in love...


Warning:  the following post will be sappy.


Husband - 


Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.


Happy anniversary!


I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you.  Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural.  I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life.  I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it.  I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me.  I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand.  How you hold me when we sleep.  I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.


But you already know these things.


In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know.  I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once:  a lot gets said!


What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.  Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all).  Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling.  Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic.  Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).  


I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work.  How I still get first date butterflies sometimes.  I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky.  How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.


On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...


I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.


You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.  


I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.  


I love you so much husband!  


Thank you for loving me.


Happy one month!


Wifey