coming soon....an all new blog.
currently in the works.
get stoked.
i am.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wednesday....
Mood: emotionless
I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body, there's things I'll take to my grave. But I'm okay. I'm okay. It's been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried....it's not okay, but it's alright.
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Bueller? Bueller?
Mood: contemplative
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sick Day
Mood: hopeful
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Next Step...
Mood: "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Just Dance...
Mood: nostalgic
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2012...
Mood: meh....
It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon. I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt. I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life. And it's been a fantastic day. The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done. Nothing. No errands that can't wait. No holiday events or parties. No bank runs or grocery runs. Nothing.
And it feels phenomenal. And indulgent. And sooooooooo odd. And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.
I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy. And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do. I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time. But, secretly, I hate it as well. For a few reasons. The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS. I've been having really depressing PMS lately. Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself. I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"
Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling? It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine. But you don't. You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting. I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful. There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."
Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do. I've stayed busy reading. Wasting time online. Doing laundry. Talking with the husband. Watching tv. Showering. It's just...I don't know.
I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good. Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing. All weekend. I do. And I don't. I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun. Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING. Something just to force me out of my own funk.
I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter. And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!). Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.
If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!). Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.
And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out. Cold or not. Overwhelmed or not. Just for a bit. And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.
It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon. I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt. I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life. And it's been a fantastic day. The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done. Nothing. No errands that can't wait. No holiday events or parties. No bank runs or grocery runs. Nothing.
And it feels phenomenal. And indulgent. And sooooooooo odd. And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.
I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy. And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do. I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time. But, secretly, I hate it as well. For a few reasons. The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS. I've been having really depressing PMS lately. Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself. I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"
Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling? It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine. But you don't. You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting. I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful. There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."
Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do. I've stayed busy reading. Wasting time online. Doing laundry. Talking with the husband. Watching tv. Showering. It's just...I don't know.
I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good. Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing. All weekend. I do. And I don't. I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun. Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING. Something just to force me out of my own funk.
I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter. And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!). Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.
If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!). Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.
And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out. Cold or not. Overwhelmed or not. Just for a bit. And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.
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