coming soon....an all new blog.
currently in the works.
get stoked.
i am.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wednesday....
Mood: emotionless
I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
I posted a quote on my facebook earlier tonight...the song has been in my head for some time. It's one that's been nagging at me and just wouldn't go away, so I listened to it tonight. Honestly I had forgotten most of the lyrics...it was mainly the song title and the band floating around in my head with the melody. As I listened to the words I was taken back to the thousands of times I've listened to this song before.
Some of the times were happier than tonight. Some were far, far sadder. It's just...the song...while not the story of my life by any means, (I mean, I KNOW my dad and aside from business trips he was consistently in the picture) just makes sense to me. I FEEL it. I know it's pain and it's hopefulness. It's insistence on "okay" and the reluctance to admit a certain defeat...
It's a hard song to describe for me. I have the ability to twist things so that they make sense to my frame of reference, and this song? It just fits right now.
The lyrics that have always gotten me...even before counting myself among those who were tattooed...
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body, there's things I'll take to my grave. But I'm okay. I'm okay. It's been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried....it's not okay, but it's alright.
Perhaps it's the sense of conflict that I relate to. Perhaps I'm making way more out of this song than was intended. At least tonight it's provided me some solace...and a jumping point for some serious thinking and reflection.
And yes, I'm okay. Honestly. Some days rule. Some days suck. Some days are just days to get through. The one thing I know for sure though, EVERY day is worth living.
Should you want to hear the song that's currently in my head and in my heart...here it is.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Bueller? Bueller?
Mood: contemplative
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
The husband just said, "hey baby, you should blog." And he's right. Actually we talked about it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. It's been quite some time. When I set out to write this blog I originally wanted to post every other day. So when it comes to nearly 2 weeks, that's quite a long time without a blog.
It's just...I want to say I'm busy, and I genuinely am. But, it's also...I have nothing to write at the moment. Which is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Sometimes I blog about happy things. Sometimes I blog about sad things. Sometimes I blog to remind myself how lucky I am. Or that hope is always just a thought away.
Today? I have nothing of importance to blog about. My life is...a mess at best right now. Every day is pretty much the same...and that isn't a bad thing at all. I do like my job...and the kids definitely keep things interesting. But my day looks pretty much like this every day...
5:30am....hand phone to Jeff so he can hit snooze once on alarm
5:44am....finally roll out of bed and shower
6:45ish....leave the house with the hubs and drive to West Des Moines
7:20am...arrive at work...clock in...organize room....start day
10:00......pray to some higher being that I will receive both the patience and energy necessary to handle a room full of 2 year olds for the rest of the day
1:00pm...lunch break
2:00pm...return to work
4:30pm...hang out with kids and clean my room up
5:00ish....get picked up by the husband and ride home
Then there's dinner and tv or random movies. And bed. Literally. Every Monday through Friday unless we throw a date night in there. And being a creature of habit, I genuinely don't mind this routine. I like having a schedule. I like a certain amount of predictability. But...it just feels like there's been nothing worth blogging about...at least that I feel comfortable sharing.
My life has changed...some aspects of my life are beyond repair. But I hate writing that without being able to actually write about it. It's not all mine to write. Or tell.
As I've been writing I've realized that in the middle of all this schedule and routine and structure...I'm figuring out my life as it is today. And as it will be tomorrow. Each day Jeff and I learn something new about each other. We discover another common interest, or set a new goal. We figure out parenting and working and being newly married together. And I'm learning everyday what being a wife, teacher (I'm the HEAD TEACHER NOW!!!!), and woman means. I'm figuring out how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. I've failed at several of these roles...but I refuse to give up on others.
I guess I didn't realize how much really WAS going on until I stopped to think and write about it. Ferris Bueller said it best " life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
Stop and look. See what's happening around you. Life...it's worth living. Every single day.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sick Day
Mood: hopeful
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
I took today off. I called and said exactly what's wrong with me: I'm not me today. I haven't been in over a week. And I hate it. I hate feeling as if I'm stuck in some kind of fog. Like I'm living a version of my own life...but not as myself.
I'm a pretty happy person. Dramatic? Definitely. Sad? At times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's been quite some time since I've just thrown my hands up and admitted surrender to the depression. I used to be angry all the time. Harboring resentment and nasty feelings. It made me feel nasty and angry at myself.
So I started my old blog, the one where I wrote about doing at least ONE nice thing a day for myself. I've continued to do those nice things...until lately. Lately...my husband has been the one picking up the slack in the being nice to Ashley department. I've been busy being furiously angry and heart breakingly sad.
I woke up this morning crying. Pressed into Jeff's arms I struggled to breathe normally, to stop crying, and to get out of the bed. I showered. My chest felt as though a house was on top of it. And I couldn't go any further than that shower. I called my boss. I sent texts to coworkers. I drove Jeff to work and did grocery shopping. And then I stopped.
I have written in my journal. I've done laundry. I attempted a nap. I've listened to some music. Defragged my computer. Screwed around on Pinterest. And that's what I needed to do today. I needed a day where the only pressure or schedule I had involved making sure I got Jeff to and from work...and that we get to eat tonight. I really went above and beyond with all that laundry *note sarcasm*
And here's the nicest thing I've done all day. I've set my mind to stopping the sad. The issues causing the feelings won't disappear. But I refuse to let myself mope around for one more day. Jeff and I are newlyweds...that's trickier than we thought...but still amazing. There are constant stresses that are so seemingly insignificant but laundry piles up...groceries disappear. Between the everyday chaos, working with 2 year olds, and trying to find balance in an already completely new lifestyle (wife, stepmother, living in a totally new place...) I just wasn't ready to handle the really huge family stresses that came my way. I'm not sure how I would handle things differently should this happen again...but I do know that attempting to take it all on and feel like I had to do it myself (even when Jeff was offering all the help in the world) was dumb. And once I let him help me...well...I was too far gone to function.
So, after today, I'm done not being Ashley. For a while anyway. Will I still be sad? Of course. But tomorrow morning when I wake up...I won't be crying. I'll get out of bed and shower and laugh. I'll drive to work and have amazing conversations with Jeff instead of him having to ask if I'm okay...and figuring out how to handle the inevitable "no" that follows.
I know I won't succeed every single step of the way. And I know I'll slip back into sad. But tomorrow I'm going to work with a renewed love of teaching the kids. I'm going back smiling instead of trying to hide. I'm going back as the Ms. Ashley that the kids know and love. And I'm coming home to dinner with my husband to watch a Bulls game and not constantly worry about everything. I'm going to live the best...and happiest...that I can from second to second.
*pardon the crazy eyes....I got my eye make-up done for a date night look with pink last night at Sephora and wanted to make sure I could see how to redo it...but since I'm smiling and I love pink....that's the me I will be again tomorrow! Find something to smile about yourself!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Next Step...
Mood: "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing..."
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Today we had mandatory training sessions at work from 8-4. Last night I called saying that I was just far too overwhelmed and stressed out and I just needed a day where I could relax. Where the only thing I had to worry about was baking a cake for Malcolm's 3rd birthday and spending time with the boys.
That was the day I dreamed about. That was not, however, the way my day went. I've been stressed with family issues for a week now, some with good reason, some just general dynamic stuff. An old friend became an ex-friend after saying that she couldn't be bothered to care about what was going on with my family. I was brokenhearted and reacted horribly.
For the rest of the week (and this happened on Tuesday) I couldn't concentrate at work. I really needed a day to just tend to my feelings, to be present and just live instead of worrying. Since Tuesday night, I have felt constantly ill and I've been starting fights with Jeff. It's hard when you have a limited support system at your physical side. And as I came to learn today it's hard when your long distance support system wants to...well...not be supportive.
I always censor my status updates, my blogs, my words in vocal conversations. The only place I am truly uncensored is in my written journal.
It's just this is weighing so heavily on my mind that I need it written. I need it out. And the journal just didn't do it for me.
I'm horrible with words...unless I am writing. With written words I can express what only my tears or silence can during a physical conversation.
While I want to get this all out of me and this is MY blog...I also don't want to use it maliciously. I want it to be therapeutic, fun, hopeful...
Only today, I lost hope. Truly. I cannot understand how some people can be so incredibly and intentionally mean spirited. I do know that I've recently said many things I have immediately regretted out of anger. And they've come back to haunt me already...twice. I've been writing and praying and trying to keep my head above water all week.
I'm still just barely above surface...and I feel as if I could drown at any second. It would be all too easy to just sort of...let go.
But I don't want to. I have a life I've worked hard to build. A relationship that makes me happy even when it sucks and gets hard. A (step)son that I got to bake an angry birds cake for today. A job that even on it's most stressful days I genuinely love. And a new set of friends that I'm seriously grateful for.
With all of that I'm still at a complete loss as to what my next step is. And I do mean my very next step. One second I'm ready to get in my car and just disappear. The next I'm convinced going to bed is the only thing that will help ameliorate my feelings. And then the next? I'm so battered that I'm shaking and weeping, and the only thing I can imagine is...well...nothing. Because my faith in myself has been so irreparably shattered today that I have no idea what to do. And no idea what I want to do.
I know that as of today my life has changed...I'm just not exactly sure how yet. I know that sleep will help...but I also know that the chest pain and panic will creep in around 4am and I'll be frozen with this horrible feeling of despair.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is literally take the next step. One foot in front of the other. One breath in and out. And trust that we know what we're doing.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Just Dance...
Mood: nostalgic
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
No matter how old I am, how mature I feel, or how far I manage to get, I will always remember exactly how I felt at certain ages of my life.
The days where black leotards and pink ballet slippers meant everything that is pretty and perfect in the world. The Barbie that you just HAD to have. The hairstyle that ever single girl in my class was wearing flawlessly, except for me. The jeans I couldn't quite fit into. The acne that somehow dotted my face more pervasively than my peers. The lack of attention from males. The desire to be kissed. The longing for a boyfriend. The having the first boyfriend. The primping before prom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've managed to grow up at all. I may look more grown up than I did at 18, and I certainly am more mature in some aspects...but I can't help but wonder how far I've actually come.
The more I think about babies...the more reading I do...the more I find myself wondering whether or not I'm really grown up enough to have one of my own. Chronologically speaking I'm definitely ready. I've graduated from high school, college, worked on my master's...I have a job and I'm married happily. I have a (step)son that I couldn't love more...and I'm genuinely ready to hold my own infant in my arm's...but...
I still feel like that lost little girl. Not the one in a tutu and tight bun...she had no fears and life was nothing more than sequins and flowers given for twirling...but the one who never knew that it mattered how you wore your hair. The one who had never been kissed. The one who still has never had a Valentine.
I struggle with questioning how I can raise a child if I'm still working on raising myself?
I suppose that I should emphasize that I am NOT pregnant. Nor has there been a concerted effort to even conceive yet...it's just...the thought and the will...and the desire in me is enough to scare me. And I think that it's a good thing to be scared...to an extent. Having, and subsequently caring for, another human being is the greatest commitment, honor, privilege, challenge, and responsibility that I can imagine and...am I REALLY ready?
I've been married for just under 4 months. And I couldn't be happier. But if 10 months ago you'd ask me if I was prepared for marriage I would have answered no.
I never ceased to be amazed at how life ensures that you're ready for things...even if you still have questions. And doubts. And fears. I assume that one is never 100% ready for anything that happens...from taking the morning shower (who doesn't want 5 more minutes of sleep) to buying a house (can we say long term?)...but where there's a will, there's a way.
I'll never lose the 16 year old awkward version of me...and that's a good thing probably. She keeps me humble. And the tiny ballerina with her painted red lipstick and sugarplum dreams reminds me that life is beautiful, and that there are nothing but possibilities if you just know how to look...
What really matters, though, is who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow. And who I know I can be.
Who I want to be.
I'll get there. In the meantime I'll continue to question, to ponder, to fear, to hope, and to dream. And honestly? I think that's exactly how it should be.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2012...
Mood: meh....
It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon. I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt. I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life. And it's been a fantastic day. The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done. Nothing. No errands that can't wait. No holiday events or parties. No bank runs or grocery runs. Nothing.
And it feels phenomenal. And indulgent. And sooooooooo odd. And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.
I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy. And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do. I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time. But, secretly, I hate it as well. For a few reasons. The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS. I've been having really depressing PMS lately. Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself. I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"
Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling? It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine. But you don't. You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting. I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful. There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."
Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do. I've stayed busy reading. Wasting time online. Doing laundry. Talking with the husband. Watching tv. Showering. It's just...I don't know.
I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good. Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing. All weekend. I do. And I don't. I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun. Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING. Something just to force me out of my own funk.
I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter. And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!). Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.
If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!). Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.
And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out. Cold or not. Overwhelmed or not. Just for a bit. And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.
It's 3:04pm on a Saturday afternoon. I'm blogging from beneath a quilt, wearing sweats and a Millersville shirt. I've showered...done 2 loads of laundry....started my boards on Pinterest...and read half of my current literary obsession Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life. And it's been a fantastic day. The dawning of today marked the first of 48 hours during which Jeff and I had NOTHING (besides laundry) that HAD to be done. Nothing. No errands that can't wait. No holiday events or parties. No bank runs or grocery runs. Nothing.
And it feels phenomenal. And indulgent. And sooooooooo odd. And I kind of hate that I am feeling like emotional crap today.
I'm not used to sitting all day and being...lazy. And I always say that all I want is to have NOTHING to do. I like having the chance to be lazy...most of the time. But, secretly, I hate it as well. For a few reasons. The most prevalent one today, though, is the PMS. I've been having really depressing PMS lately. Not like I sink into an actual depression, I'm just not myself. I was trying to tell the husband how I felt earlier and all I could come up with was the line from the 40 Year-Old Virgin where Leslie Mann screams "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I hope I get my period soon...I am in SUCH A BAD MOOD!"
Is there a menstruating woman alive who can't relate to that feeling? It is so frustrating to be in this horrendous mood even when you honestly do feel fine. But you don't. You're happy and annoyed and...honestly...it's just all very exhausting. I'm a big believer in honoring feelings....especially if they're painful and hard and frustrating...but there does come a point in time where faking happiness or plastering a smile on your face can be incredibly useful. There most definitely is wisdom in the old adage "fake it till you make it."
Which brings me to why I sometimes dislike being having nothing to do. I've stayed busy reading. Wasting time online. Doing laundry. Talking with the husband. Watching tv. Showering. It's just...I don't know.
I had a fantastic date night with Jeff last night. And my work week was hectic, but overall, good. Jeff and I had an exhausting week for numerous reasons...and I thought that I wanted nothing more than to just do nothing. All weekend. I do. And I don't. I am itching to get out of the house....but every single time Jeff and I think of something to do, the thought of leaving the house feels overwhelming and not fun. Even though I KNOW I should get out...perhaps for nothing else than to grab a cup of coffee or some frozen yogurt or walk around Target or get a tattoo or...SOMETHING. Something just to force me out of my own funk.
I know it's natural to get like this, especially in the winter. And I could feel it coming on yesterday so I made a preemptive strike and finally used a holiday gift certificate to pamper myself with a manicure (which I am soooooooooooo loving today!). Apparently this is one of those super annoying parts of womanhood that I just have to ride out.
If it weren't so cold out, I'd be walking...I feel the need to be outside...and I got super spoiled by the wonderful weather this week (64 degrees in Iowa in January...uh okay!). Maybe instead I'll give in to the annoying headache and nap before settling in with the husband for the Bulls game tonight.
And go to bed promising myself that if I wake up all funk-y tomorrow...I'll force myself out. Cold or not. Overwhelmed or not. Just for a bit. And I'll fake a happy face until it's genuine...because sometimes...that's all you can do.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I'm Fine
Mood: eh....
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
Monday, December 26, 2011
3 Day Weekend
Mood: relaxed
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Peace Be With You...
Mood: content
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
It's insane what a good Smashbox lip gloss, sparkly Givenchy earrings, a pretty jewel colored sweater, and some trusty Bare Escentuals makeup can do in 15 minutes...or less! Plus having low lighting doesn't hurt...
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
I swear I was not as angry as that photo may look. Anyway. When I got to dinner with Jeff I looked like this:
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
Friday, December 16, 2011
Bah Humbug...
Mood: ....no that's too strong, for it is my favorite holiday......
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Blue Christmas
Mood: meh
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Tis the Season
Mood: exhausted...happy
I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged. Unacceptable.
So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.
I'm still loving my job teaching preschool. It's so fun! Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around. I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two. Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it. A lot.
The husband has just accepted a new job. He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity. He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.
We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us. Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son. We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more. Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude. Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm. It was wonderful. We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic. To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.
It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy. I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I. Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss. My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.
This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have. As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am. I hope you are able to feel the same!
I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged. Unacceptable.
So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.
I'm still loving my job teaching preschool. It's so fun! Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around. I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two. Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it. A lot.
The husband has just accepted a new job. He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity. He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.
We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us. Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son. We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more. Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude. Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm. It was wonderful. We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic. To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.
It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy. I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I. Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss. My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.
This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have. As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am. I hope you are able to feel the same!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Transformers
Mood: "more than meets the eye..." seriously though, I feel transformed
*Disclaimer* This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers
When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical. I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday. The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.
I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products. The skincare line, the hair care...amazing. When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon. It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot. More than I'd care to admit right now. As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build. The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.
So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses. And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done. On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog. I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home. As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines. Ummmm....fate much?
So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever. Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is? Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting. You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins. Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.
I had 2 hours of complete bliss. Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed. And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed. Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!
Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):
and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:
Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first. And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.
Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland. And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead. I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!
*Disclaimer* This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers
When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical. I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday. The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.
I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products. The skincare line, the hair care...amazing. When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon. It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot. More than I'd care to admit right now. As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build. The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.
So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses. And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done. On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog. I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home. As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines. Ummmm....fate much?
So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever. Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is? Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting. You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins. Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.
I had 2 hours of complete bliss. Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed. And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed. Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!
Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):
and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:
Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first. And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.
Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland. And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead. I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!
Friday, November 11, 2011
"This is Because..."
Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."
In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11. Let me tell you how I spent this day.
I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him. I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady. I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work. When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there. I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me. With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed. Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband! So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.
That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work. I started to feel...off...then. And it's only gotten worse. I did 2 loads of laundry. I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy. I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out. I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out. I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.
However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music. The universal language.
When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine. Listen to music. Music speaks when I can't. Then I write. Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right. If that still doesn't work I write more. I draw and color prayers. I read. I think. I allow myself to feel.
Anyway. So I did the whole listening to music thing. I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile. Talk about a backfire. Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night. The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional. Jeff and I used:
In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11. Let me tell you how I spent this day.
I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him. I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady. I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work. When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there. I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me. With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed. Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband! So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.
That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work. I started to feel...off...then. And it's only gotten worse. I did 2 loads of laundry. I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy. I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out. I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out. I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.
However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music. The universal language.
When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine. Listen to music. Music speaks when I can't. Then I write. Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right. If that still doesn't work I write more. I draw and color prayers. I read. I think. I allow myself to feel.
Anyway. So I did the whole listening to music thing. I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile. Talk about a backfire. Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night. The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional. Jeff and I used:
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder
Maybe - Everlast
Marry You - Bruno Mars
Love Story - Taylor Swift
Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty
As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music. The song was a no-brainer since I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it. It wouldn't go away. I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."
The blog title and mood are taken from the song. One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate. I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it. The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me. It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself. Tonight is one of those nights. This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.
Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.
I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times. They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show. It's a 10 minute song. Every time I've seen them live, they've played it. Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played. And I smiled. The song has such emotional ties for me. It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch. I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships. Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly. Others? Not so much.
I had a best friend once. I don't befriend women easily. We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down. So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up? I embrace them with everything I have. I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse. If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give. That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again. I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.
As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her. Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person. I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway. Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently. Or better. Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.
I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen. I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do. I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling. So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband. Goodbye 11-11-11.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Is This the Real Life...
Mood: "is this just fantasy?" exhausted...happy...motivated
When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life. She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses." She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent. Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on. She hugged and laughed and played with her students. I've never forgotten her. Or the impact she had on my life. So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be that teacher. The one that made a difference. The one that people remember fondly years later.
22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center. I applied for the position for a few reasons. The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children. So...daycare it was. When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center. The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident. The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.
Which brings me to today. The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill. I was the lucky one who got to fill in. Those kids made my entire week. Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome. As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher. I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.
Which got me thinking. It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself. It's every day that I wake up. I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff. Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married. I am a mommy. I am a member of a new family. And now? I am a teacher. I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children. Of preparing them for school. It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.
As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling. I am so insanely blessed. I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.
When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life. She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses." She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent. Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on. She hugged and laughed and played with her students. I've never forgotten her. Or the impact she had on my life. So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be that teacher. The one that made a difference. The one that people remember fondly years later.
22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center. I applied for the position for a few reasons. The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children. So...daycare it was. When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center. The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident. The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.
Which brings me to today. The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill. I was the lucky one who got to fill in. Those kids made my entire week. Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome. As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher. I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.
Which got me thinking. It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself. It's every day that I wake up. I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff. Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married. I am a mommy. I am a member of a new family. And now? I am a teacher. I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children. Of preparing them for school. It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.
As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling. I am so insanely blessed. I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.
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