Mood: eh....
Today was rough. It was the first day that I've had to be up at 5:30am since last Thursday...and that is quite an unhappy time for Ashley. I considered calling in to work after a rather upset stomach but decided that since it was only a 4 day week I should head in.
Work wasn't bad...and I do love spending time with the kids...but...like any position there are pros and cons. I'd like to think that there is that ONE job or career or position that will make me 100% happy all of the time...but I know that no matter how much I love what I'm doing there will always be negatives. And I really truly do love what I am doing right now. Being a preschool teacher is rewarding in ways that I never thought possible from working in a daycare. I always assumed it was like glorified babysitting. That couldn't be farther from what I do everyday. And I couldn't be happier that that's the case.
Anyway. Work was...work today. Getting back into the routine won't be easy for either myself or the kids, but it'll happen. And like I said it wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't particularly a good day either. Jeff picked me up from work and we headed to the grocery store, which was just about as stressful as the almost 9 hours of work. But I was in a good mood by the time we finished dinner and started hanging out together. Fortunately for me, Jeff has the awesome ability to calm me down and cheer me up just by being near me.
While watching How I Met Your Mother and checking my facebook, I decided I'd check out my old account. The one I created during my time as a Christian Ed. director.
I've written before that when I'm feeling upset, especially if I can't really identify a reason, I like to "pick the scab." I like to do things that I know will upset me. I don't know exactly why. Maybe cause I know I have pent up emotions and I want them out. Maybe cause I'm just mean to myself some days, who knows? So tonight as I read through my old account, I looked at the profile of the current Christian Ed. director. Well, the one she set up for the church.
I knew they had one. I found that out quite a few months ago. She shares my name. She sits at my old desk, she mentors "my" kids. I was brokenhearted when I found out that they had hired a new CE director. It served to reinforce that the people I worked with and for, didn't value my opinion in the least.
And that hurts. It hurt me for a whole year...and I feel like I should be past it but...I'm not. I know that I miss having a title. And I know that I miss having my own office. I miss the feeling that I had a position that my parents could be proud of. Education was stressed in my family. Get educated, get a good job, make money, be happy. That's pretty much what I thought would happen. I have the college degree. I have 2/3 of my graduate degree...I missed the good job part though. And with that came the money.
The dumbest thing about being sad about missing an office and the title is that I may have missed the money...but I'm happy. And isn't that what we all REALLY want in life? I mean, I have a wonderful husband who I honestly just enjoy sitting next to. I have a great and welcoming family in Iowa. I have a supportive and awesome family in PA who never cared about titles or positions and are proud of me no matter what. I have a fantastic (step)son who makes me smile just by breathing. And I do have a job I like. Very much.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to reconcile to myself that it's okay to be happy where you are at. It's okay to want more and be ambitious. But it's dangerous to get caught up in all of the "coulds" and "shoulds" of life. If I had my Master of Divinity I would most likely not be sitting next to the most amazing man (besides my father) that I've ever met. If I had stayed in my position as CE director I'd be burning through anxiety meds faster than they could be prescribed as the stress I felt just walking into the church made me physically ill.
There is nothing wrong with where I am in life. I know that. In fact, I have a level of happy that many people won't get to experience. So why must I make myself feel like I should be better, or more financially successful?
It's just one of the demons I fight in myself. I have since I was in 4th grade when I got my very first B on a report card. And it's something I'll continue to fight. I'll probably head to the bed in a few minutes, crack open one of the new books I got for Christmas, and continue to feel sad and not quite good enough.
Tomorrow when I get up, see the man I wake up next to, and get a hug from the children I teach...I'll be fine.
And sometimes...fine is all you can ask for.
And...even though I picked at my "not feeling good enough" wounds...I did do something nice for myself tonight. I deactivated that facebook account so I can no longer pick at those hurts. And I'm proud of that.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
3 Day Weekend
Mood: relaxed
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my husband. It's the 3rd movie we've managed to watch from our list of around 15 that we wanted to...apparently we had a much busier weekend than we had anticipated. And it flew by...
Christmas Eve I actually managed to sleep in until 8:30am while poor Jeff was up at 5:30 and out of bed by 6:00am. When I managed to drag myself out of bed, I wrapped a ton of gifts and watched Jeff play some Batman. Then we headed to his Dad and Grandmother's to spend some time with them. We stopped at a bar for a Christmas Eve drink...which proved to be a very interesting experience for us...and then had breakfast for dinner with Mom. I've always told Jeff that for some reason Christmas Eve is (for the kids in my family anyway) generally a bigger drinking night than New Year's Eve is. Since we're going to have Malcolm this weekend (yay!), I assume this will hold true again this year. Jeff and I sat around with Mom talking and drinking for hours. Somewhere around 11:00pm we hauled our quite tipsy selves to bed.
Christmas morning we woke up...this time together at 6:00 (poor Jeff hasn't managed to sleep past 6 on any of his three days off) and stayed in bed just talking and laughing like we used to, before we had to get up for work every morning at 5:30am. When we finally got out of bed around 8:00, we showered, and then helped Mom prepare soups for Christmas dinner. Chili and potato soup...yummy. We spent some time visiting with his sister and her boyfriend, his brother, and Mom before opening presents. It was quite the haul under the tree this year...
Once the presents had been opened and the company had left, Jeff and I settled in to watch the Bulls game. With the exception of the 3rd quarter it was an exciting game...and they won by one point! Jeff fell asleep with his head on my leg while watching Bridesmaids after the game, so we headed to bed.
Today we did laundry. All day. We just finished, and it's 4:46pm, but we are finally starting a work week with NO laundry in the basket...clean sheets...and no big "to-do" lists hanging over our heads.
I'm sitting here smelling the candle Mom gave to me...
...which if you can't read is appropriately titled "Home Sweet Home," and sitting next to the husband. Christmas has come and gone in a blur and it still doesn't really feel like the holiday season. Perhaps it will next week when we get to watch Malcolm open his crazy amount of gifts. And perhaps it just never will this year. It's okay.
I've got a smile on my face...and I could not feel more loved and cared for by ALL of my family. I hope you and yours had a blessed holiday season whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa coming up.
I'm going to sit back, enjoy the rest of the movie, have a quiet evening, and love the fact that I have a 4 day work week this week...and next! Happy Holidays from Iowa!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Peace Be With You...
Mood: content
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
It's insane what a good Smashbox lip gloss, sparkly Givenchy earrings, a pretty jewel colored sweater, and some trusty Bare Escentuals makeup can do in 15 minutes...or less! Plus having low lighting doesn't hurt...
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
I'm staring at my husband as he plays Batman: Arkham City, drinking a glass of wine, wearing last year's Christmas PJ sweatpants, and enjoying my fantastic new red hair...and I realized...I couldn't be happier right now.
Jeff had to work today, but I had the day off. Since I felt so awful Saturday I moved my hair appointment to this morning. At 10:30am I left the Aveda Institute with freshly colored, cut, and styled hair...and having purchased my mommy's Christmas present! I stuck around the West Des Moines area shopping...since I still had to get Daddy something. I found the perfect gift for him...and a few small things for Mommy and Caitlyn as well! I had an awesome lunch at Panera (thanks to a gift certificate from one of my students!):
Panera's garden vegetable soup with pesto in a bread bowl? Delicious!
Jeff got out of work early and we headed to P.F. Chang's...which while not only tasty...is a special place to us. It's where we first ate when he met my Daddy and my sister...we ate there in PA...and again when we met Mommy and Daddy in Indianapolis...so it's kind of like "our" restaurant if it were a huge chain. Anyway...I wanted to look pretty for date night, not like I'd been running around all day getting angry with shoppers glued to their cell phones or drivers glued to their cell phones cutting me off...so this morning when we left I packed an extra sweater and some jewelry and makeup to switch my outfit around and surprise Jeff. When I left Aveda Institute and was running around the mall I looked like this:
I swear I was not as angry as that photo may look. Anyway. When I got to dinner with Jeff I looked like this:
Anyway. I had an amazing day. Was it always happy? No...there were times where I thought I may break down in tears since I was shopping without my sister (at Panera I had a near meltdown). I found so many things/people/places I wanted to point out to my Mommy and so many jokes I wanted to crack with my Daddy...but I got through it.
It's Christmas Eve...Eve...and it still doesn't feel anything like what the holidays usually do...but that's not a bad thing. I've realized this year that while Christmas may be just another day...it's okay. And it's not a bad practice to get into the habit of celebrating everyday...no matter how ordinary. This Christmas couldn't get more ordinary for Jeff and I. We have a list of movies we want to watch including: Shaun of the Dead, Get Him to the Greek, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, Empire Records, Paul, Office Space, and I Love You Man among a gazillion others (we'll try this all in 3 days!) and that's about all we plan on doing. We have some family stuff...and traditions from my house including the PJ and stair picture...but nothing massive. And that's okay. In fact after all the crazy changes we've had in the past few months a few days of slowing down and zoning out is as close to perfect as our holiday can get.
I don't know that I found the Christmas spirit...but I remembered what the season is all about. Knowing you are loved, blessed, infinitely cared for, and taking the time to KNOW that. Tonight watching my husband play Batman and drink his warm holiday drink (apple cider, rum, cinnamon....delicious by the way!!!) I feel all of these things. I KNOW I am loved (and by many not just the husband), I know I am cared for, and I couldn't possibly be more blessed. I thank God that I have found Jeff and his amazing family. I thank God that my family has been so supportive and understanding of my decisions to have a completely new life nobody could have dreamed up (ME in IOWA...really?!?!). I thank God that I have a (step)son who will have a thousand presents to open next weekend.
But mainly I'm thankful that today I've found the quiet I've been searching for...in the very middle of the holiday activity. I finally feel the peace that is supposed to surround this season...and I feel it from my heart.
I pray you've found it. And if you don't...it's okay. You have tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. After all...this season isn't only one day...it's taking the time to remember that peace and love and harmony exist...it's up to us to realize that and to make these words and ideas our reality.
Now to watch some Batman as played by Jeff....
Friday, December 16, 2011
Bah Humbug...
Mood: ....no that's too strong, for it is my favorite holiday......
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
It's Friday evening. I feel old knowing that the thing I'm most excited about tonight is sleep. Being completely honest, if I weren't being a stepmother, I'd most likely be in bed at this second...and yes it's before 7:00. I've worked another 40+ hour week. I'm fighting another cold (thank you Iowa for your season indecision and kids with your snotty noses...) and I'm currently surfing the crimson wave (I have always wanted to use that line from Clueless). It most likely goes without saying that I'm not in a good mood.
I'm in a decidedly foul mood. I currently hate myself for a million reasons that I've just made up in my head and I am so tired that I'm honestly having a hard time seeing straight without things blurring up. It's close to a week away from Christmas and I haven't sent out my family's box. I haven't even finished shopping for my family. And I know they don't care about the gifts...but I do. It matters to me. I haven't wrapped a single gift and I'm not sure when I'll have the time to. I haven't slept well in at least 3 nights and I'm currently going on hour 7 without food.
The thing that is making me most upset? I can't turn off the racing thoughts. I can't shut my own head up. No matter what I scream at myself in my brain, no matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many silent prayers I lift...I CAN'T STOP. Ever. For the last two weeks it's been nonstop, incessant chatter in my head. Things I've left undone ranging from laundry to finishing my seminary degree. Things that may or may not be in my control. Things that...well you get the idea.
I've been wanting to blog all week. I keep putting it off. Why do today what can be done tomorrow, right? I hate blogging when I'm in a bad mood cause I want this blog to reflect my "happily ever after." But tonight I realized that every single happy ending isn't all happy, is it? Maybe for Walt Disney it was...and that makes for a great movie or story or theme park...but every real marriage and relationship and "happily ever after" that I know has bad days. Hell...the Bible has some REALLY nasty days. So I figure if I'm going to write about my marriage and my life then only writing when happy does both my readers and myself a disservice. It's not fair to pretend to be happy all the time for anyone. And I'm not unhappy...just having a rough time lately. It's my first Christmas away from family...and my first Christmas married...my first Christmas as a (step)mom but it'll have to be spent without the son...it's dark and winter...it's long hours at work...it's stressful work...but I'm not unhappy. In fact I am indeed very happy. It's all just a very bittersweet happy I suppose.
I have a hair appointment tomorrow at the Aveda Institute...which I LOVED the last time I was there. Hopefully getting my hair colored and trimmed will help me to just completely zone out. To shut myself up and turn off my brain, even if only for an hour or two. To just allow myself some "me" time. To be pampered and to REALLY feel as good on the inside as I know I should and do...if that even makes sense....
May you be experiencing a joyous holiday season...and may you take time to find the still and quiet in the midst of the noise and the hurry
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Blue Christmas
Mood: meh
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
I've been avoiding blogging. I've been avoiding a lot of things lately to be honest. Taking care of myself is high up there on that list. I've stopped doing Pilates, started drinking more soda and less water, stopped eating, stopped writing and coloring...the only thing I've managed to continue is reading and maintaining some forms of communication with the husband. I know all of this is leading to me being tired and cranky and sad and depressed...but it's one of those periods during which I just don't care.
And I know I should. It's not just me that needs me anymore. There's the husband. The stepson. The dog. My family back in PA. It seems this year that Seasonal Affect Disorder means business with me. And it's taking all I have to fight it...some days the only thing I feel like I've accomplished is getting out of bed.
Since it's December 11, this funk is particularly frustrating. I loooooooooooooooove Christmas. Actually I love the entire winter season. I know...it's cold and snowy and dark...but I love it. I don't necessarily love being cold and now that I drive I dislike snow on any weekday...but the season always makes me feel...warm and happy.
I can't remember exactly how old I was...but I remember the first time I went skiing. It was with a church group and I never left the bunny hill and I had to pee so badly that I wet myself (nervous bladder)...but I fell in love with it. My dad encouraged my love of skiing and when I was in 3rd grade I started taking official lessons at Blue Mountain. I became a Mountaineer, then a member of the Blue Mountain Ski Team, PARA (Pennsylvania Racing Association), and the U.S. Ski Team (uhhhh like division Z but I still count it). The older I got the more time we spent at the Mountain. There were preseason training sessions, the obligatory Saturday and Sunday 8-12 lessons and practices, the travel races, the midweek training sessions....but my favorite thing? Skiing during free time with my daddy.
I'll admit I wasn't the world's best skier, and I certainly wasn't ranked high in the girls division...but I wasn't bad either. I left skiing in order to attend confirmation class...which required Sunday morning attendance.
Last night I was thinking about that decision. And the season. And my funk. And the fact that the last time I was at any type of religious ceremony it was my wedding. Almost 3 months ago.
This Christmas is Jeff and I's first together. And I'm thrilled to be spending it with him. It's also his first Christmas without Malcolm (who will be spending it with his mother) and my first Christmas without any member of my blood family near me. While it's exciting to have a new family to celebrate with...I miss all the familiarity of the Christmas season with my family. The crazy marathon shopping days with Caitlyn and Mom. Watching college basketball with Daddy. Heading out to "Lights in the Parkway" in Allentown. Buying Christmas presents for the puppies. Starting the annual hunt for stockings with Mommy that ends with us buying replacements. The candles that are constantly burning with Christmas cookie smells...the Christmas baking...the crazy amount of church services...
I know that it's time to form my own traditions with Jeff...but it's hard to get excited about the holidays when it doesn't feel like the holidays. There's no skiing, there's no going to cut down the Christmas tree, and there's no marathon shopping with the girls. This winter just feels cold. And stressful.
Jeff and I watched "Christmas Vacation" last night and I watched "Elf" this morning...part of my annual holiday season celebration. I'll continue that by watching them again while wrapping presents. I'll buy stockings for Jeff and I and find some fruit to shove at the bottom (which my mother and father do every SINGLE year even though some years it's rotted at the bottom of the stocking....). I'll force Jeff to take a picture with me sitting on the stairs to the basement (another tradition from my family) and I'll get around to baking cookies with Jeff and Malcolm. But most importantly, I'll try to remind myself that Christmas isn't just a season...it's a feeling. It's a celebration. And it's spiritual. I can't actively participate in any of this if I'm just going through the motions of everyday. I need to get excited again.
I need to eat. I need to drink water again. I need to resume exercising and writing. I need to find a spiritual happy place.
And I'll do it. I pray in time for Christmas.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Tis the Season
Mood: exhausted...happy
I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged. Unacceptable.
So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.
I'm still loving my job teaching preschool. It's so fun! Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around. I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two. Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it. A lot.
The husband has just accepted a new job. He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity. He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.
We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us. Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son. We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more. Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude. Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm. It was wonderful. We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic. To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.
It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy. I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I. Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss. My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.
This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have. As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am. I hope you are able to feel the same!
I had no idea it had been SOOOOOOOOOO long since I blogged. Unacceptable.
So without further ado, here's what's been going on in my life.
I'm still loving my job teaching preschool. It's so fun! Of course there are mornings (often) that I wake up and just want to pull the covers up for a few more hours...but that feeling is generally gone by the time morning snack rolls around. I've been fighting colds (nothing major) and allergies since Iowa can't decide whether to be unseasonably warm or cold and just keeps walking the line between the two. Those days, it usually takes a bit longer to remember that I'm not only lucky to have a job...but that I really do like it. A lot.
The husband has just accepted a new job. He's still working in IT...but not in the same capacity. He'll finally be getting paid what he's worth (at least to the company...he's priceless to me!) and there is the opportunity for growth and career development which was severely lacking at his current position.
We've been keeping quite busy as the holiday season came upon us. Working, baking, grocery shopping (it feels like we go all the time!), sleeping, and spending time with the son. We've had him since Wednesday night...and I couldn't love it more. Spending this much time with him has to be the thing that I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
Beyond that...we're navigating married life with a lot of laughs, some tears, and a very thankful attitude. Yesterday we had a skype session with my parents so they could talk to (and see) Malcolm. It was wonderful. We knew Malcolm wouldn't understand what was happening...and that he wouldn't have the attention span to talk like we did...but it was still fantastic. To not only talk to my parents...but see them laugh and smile and watch their movements.
It's really the very small things in my life right now that are making me incredibly happy. I can't describe the feeling of getting hugs and kisses from my students, or hearing Malcolm get excited at mastering identifying objects with Daddy and I. Being able to physically see my parents as we caught up on each other's lives was something that seems so very insignificant...but when you're half a country away...it means nothing less than bliss. My last blog was about doing things daily to make me happy...and it's a practice I still maintain.
This blog is more about learning to live simply...in bliss and acknowledge those blessings I already have. As the holiday season goes into full swing...I'm feeling incredibly blessed, lucky, and beyond happy to be living the life I am. I hope you are able to feel the same!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Transformers
Mood: "more than meets the eye..." seriously though, I feel transformed
*Disclaimer* This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers
When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical. I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday. The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.
I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products. The skincare line, the hair care...amazing. When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon. It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot. More than I'd care to admit right now. As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build. The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.
So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses. And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done. On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog. I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home. As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines. Ummmm....fate much?
So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever. Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is? Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting. You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins. Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.
I had 2 hours of complete bliss. Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed. And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed. Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!
Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):
and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:
Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first. And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.
Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland. And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead. I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!
*Disclaimer* This blog post does not contain any actual mention of autobots, decepticons, or other transformers
When it comes to liking things that are typically considered "girly" I am quite...well....typical. I love getting my hair done, doing my nails, putting on makeup, picking out accessories to complete the outfit, wearing perfume everyday. The little "girly" things like that make me super happy.
I've recently fallen in love with Aveda products. The skincare line, the hair care...amazing. When I needed a color refresher before the wedding I went to an Aveda salon. It was a phenomenal experience and great service, but I paid...a lot. More than I'd care to admit right now. As newlyweds Jeff and I are attempting to save for the family we have and the family we want to build. The home we want to live in one day, and the comfort and security we hope to provide to Malcolm...and if all goes well...another child.
So when we got back from the honeymoon and I was unemployed, color maintenance was pretty much the last thing on our list of expenses. And even once I started working, I couldn't justify paying what I did the last time my hair was done. On Friday I had to buy a feeder mouse...as I previously mentioned on this blog. I was on the phone with the husband getting directions to Petco and talking about how I wanted to schedule a hair appointment when I got home. As the Petco came in to sight, so did the very place I wanted to book a hair appointment...the Aveda Institute of Des Moines. Ummmm....fate much?
So I bought the mouse, booked the appointment...and yesterday I had the most amazing experience ever. Can I just tell you all how absolutely pampering this place is? Not only does it smell absolutely incredibly, but the lighting is warm and so inviting. You receive a scalp massage as a beginning to any cut/color and then the consultation and work begins. Since I was getting my hair colored I also received a hand massage while the color was processing.
I had 2 hours of complete bliss. Every nasty thought and emotion from earlier in the weekend just melted as my head was massaged and my color transformed. And it's not just the hair that got transformed, I feel...transformed. Of course there are still the sad feelings, the feelings of loss and loneliness..and I miss my Jersey girl, Carissa, and hanging out at her house while getting my hair done...but after 2.5 years in Iowa I finally found a hair place that I look forward to going to...and can afford!
Without further ado...here's the before (with my wonderful Carissa who flew from Jersey to do all the hair for the wedding!):
and after 2 hours at the Aveda Institute yesterday:
Ignore the crazy eyes in the second photo...I wasn't going to post it but it shows the red color waaaaaaaaaay better than the first. And looking at it, that's not even doing justice to the red...but this blog allows for plenty of time to post pictures of my new hair...and new life.
Jeff and I have settled in for our Sunday night tv shows...The Walking Dead and Homeland. And as the weekend raps up we're gearing up for the week ahead. I hope that you and yours had a wonderful weekend...and that the week ahead brings you joy!
Friday, November 11, 2011
"This is Because..."
Mood: "I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it...I always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk..."
In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11. Let me tell you how I spent this day.
I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him. I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady. I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work. When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there. I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me. With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed. Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband! So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.
That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work. I started to feel...off...then. And it's only gotten worse. I did 2 loads of laundry. I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy. I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out. I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out. I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.
However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music. The universal language.
When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine. Listen to music. Music speaks when I can't. Then I write. Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right. If that still doesn't work I write more. I draw and color prayers. I read. I think. I allow myself to feel.
Anyway. So I did the whole listening to music thing. I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile. Talk about a backfire. Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night. The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional. Jeff and I used:
In case you were somehow still unaware of today's date it is indeed 11-11-11. Let me tell you how I spent this day.
I woke up at 4:00AM desperately wanting to call out of work because I was tired, had a horrible sinus headache, and the husband didn't work until 2:00PM thus I wanted to spend time with him. I didn't manage to fall back into slumber so at 6:11AM (yes, I remember exact times that early in the morning) I stumbled out of bed cracking like an old lady. I showered...which always helps the sinuses...made my breakfast bagel, packed my lunch, did my hair, got dressed, said goodbye to the husband and went to work. When I walked into my classroom there was only one little boy there. I usually come in to find 3 faces staring up at me. With it being Veteran's Day most of the parents kept their kids at home and so we were overstaffed. Uh....hello opportunity to spend time with my husband! So I left work, bought a "feeding" mouse, made an appointment for a cut and color tomorrow at the Aveda Institute of Des Moines and came home feeling like I was on top of the world.
That feeling continued until right around when the husband had to leave for work. I started to feel...off...then. And it's only gotten worse. I did 2 loads of laundry. I napped (for a good 2 hours!!!!) and I've spent some quality time with the puppy. I've watched Intervention...which I do as a form of complete zoning out. I have no idea why but that show captivates me and manages to make me feel just...chilled out. I don't pretend to understand my own thoughts sometimes.
However...even that wasn't really doing anything for me tonight so I switched to music. The universal language.
When I feel not right and I can't quite figure out why I have a little routine. Listen to music. Music speaks when I can't. Then I write. Repeat until I'm either feeling better or at least know why I'm not feeling right. If that still doesn't work I write more. I draw and color prayers. I read. I think. I allow myself to feel.
Anyway. So I did the whole listening to music thing. I decided I'd listen to the wedding music to make me smile. Talk about a backfire. Jeff and I thought a lot about what music to use as prelude music...we really wanted it to set the tone for the whole night. The prelude music ended up being fun, very us, and very not traditional. Jeff and I used:
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder
Maybe - Everlast
Marry You - Bruno Mars
Love Story - Taylor Swift
Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty
As I got to the beginning of Marry You and I found myself near sobbing, I texted the husband and decided to take the his ever phenomenal advice and switch music. The song was a no-brainer since I've had a song stuck in my head all day...I know why...and I've been purposefully avoiding it. It wouldn't go away. I kept hearing the lyrics running through my head, dancing around my thoughts and whispering "listen to me...play me...."
The blog title and mood are taken from the song. One of my favorite bands is Something Corporate. I loved them as a college student who was experimenting with the "whiny college music" and I haven't grown out of it. The "piano rock" is like a blanket to me. It's warm and familiar and holds me when I can't seem to find warmth in myself. Tonight is one of those nights. This song is THE song that just...I'm crying as I type now.
Bear with me there is a point in this blog post.
I have seen Something Corporate play live 3 times. They rarely...or at least used to rarely...bust out Konstantine at a live show. It's a 10 minute song. Every time I've seen them live, they've played it. Even when they were getting booed off stage opening for Good Charlotte...they played. And I smiled. The song has such emotional ties for me. It's one of those songs that takes you to a completely different place without having to move an inch. I listen to the song and I remember college, I remember road trips, I remember grad school, and I remember friendships. Some of the things it reminds me of I miss terribly. Others? Not so much.
I had a best friend once. I don't befriend women easily. We're catty and we're mean and we're really awesome at tearing each other down. So when I meet women that are funny, smart, and want to build up? I embrace them with everything I have. I never enter into relationships half-assed for better or worse. If I'm going to love somebody or something it will be with everything I have got to give. That's burned me a million times in the past from relationships with people to relationships with my career....and I'm sure it'll come back again. I'd like to say with every time I feel the flame I get a little smarter...but if the way I'm feeling tonight is any indication....well...I'll be feeling it quite a few more times before my life is done.
As I listen to the music and I blink back tears, I have to admit that even though this person has hurt me more than I care to admit...I still miss her. Which is probably what upsets me the most about being so upset and depressed about the loss of this person. I did EVERYTHING possible that I could to continue to make her a part of my life...like I said...I don't go halfway. Despite all of this a back has been turned once again and I'm left wondering what I could have done differently. Or better. Or why the hell I even care that she's no longer in my life.
I've heard it said that you shouldn't make an effort to keep people in your life that don't make an effort to stay there...and perhaps I should listen. I suppose that that's what I'm trying to do. I feel pretty helpless about the situation and I really loathe that feeling. So, I'm going to put my computer down...get excited about my hair appointment tomorrow...listen to the sounds of a snoring bulldog...and cuddle in next to my husband. Goodbye 11-11-11.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Is This the Real Life...
Mood: "is this just fantasy?" exhausted...happy...motivated
When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life. She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses." She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent. Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on. She hugged and laughed and played with her students. I've never forgotten her. Or the impact she had on my life. So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be that teacher. The one that made a difference. The one that people remember fondly years later.
22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center. I applied for the position for a few reasons. The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children. So...daycare it was. When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center. The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident. The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.
Which brings me to today. The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill. I was the lucky one who got to fill in. Those kids made my entire week. Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome. As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher. I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.
Which got me thinking. It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself. It's every day that I wake up. I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff. Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married. I am a mommy. I am a member of a new family. And now? I am a teacher. I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children. Of preparing them for school. It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.
As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling. I am so insanely blessed. I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.
When I was in kindergarten my teacher, Mrs. Aleck, was everything that I...as a 5 year old girl...wanted to be in life. She wore "clinking heels" and "swishing dresses." She smelled wonderful...not like a mommy...but it was a comforting and womanly scent. Mrs. Aleck always had her hair done and make-up on. She hugged and laughed and played with her students. I've never forgotten her. Or the impact she had on my life. So it's not hard to believe then that as a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be that teacher. The one that made a difference. The one that people remember fondly years later.
22 years later and I find myself working at a daycare center. I applied for the position for a few reasons. The primary reason was that the ONLY thing I really wanted out of a job was satisfaction...which for me I'm sure to get if I'm working with children. So...daycare it was. When I interviewed I couldn't help but fall in love with the kids walking around the center. The teachers seemed so happy and the care and love for the children was evident. The care, love, respect, adoration...it just gets more intense every single day that I spend with the children.
Which brings me to today. The pre-kindergarten teacher was ill. I was the lucky one who got to fill in. Those kids made my entire week. Even though they only stay for the morning and I had just over 4 hours with them...it was awesome. As I sat in the teacher's chair and sang their morning songs and figured out the date and weather with them...I couldn't help but feel like I was a 10 year old again playing teacher. I kept getting the urge to pinch myself even though I knew it was real life.
Which got me thinking. It wasn't just today that I got the urge to pinch myself. It's every day that I wake up. I want to pinch myself every morning that I wake up next to Jeff. Even just looking over at him while watching television at night...I just can't get over the fact that this is my life. I am married. I am a mommy. I am a member of a new family. And now? I am a teacher. I'm not just a daycare worker...I have the pleasure of really teaching these children. Of preparing them for school. It is an awesome responsibility and a complete joy.
As I sit here waiting for the husband to come home so we can eat dinner (yes it's almost 8.30 pm) I can't stop smiling. I am so insanely blessed. I don't really WANT to pinch myself...but I can't get beyond thinking that I'll wake up someday in my apartment in Early snuggling my stuffed bear and smiling from this wonderful dream.
Monday, November 7, 2011
"My Wife, the Cheap Date"
Mood: grateful...nostalgic
The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night. On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life. This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date. However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business. Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.
While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up. I mean...really grow up. I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now). The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me. Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES! It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.
I love working with kids. I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still. Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated? Of course. But I'm still happy. I love the kids I work with and for. And the daycare center is amazing. And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is. How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.
Here's why. The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes. Last night's date also served to drive that point home. Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday. And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense. Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details. It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen. It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter. These are the moments that make life...well...life. And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family. You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that. Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.
These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless. Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe. And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.
My parents are missing out on being grandparents. They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers. They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because. The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day. If only for the fact that they aren't shared.
Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement. Not miserable...sad. Nostalgic definitely. Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast. Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table.
This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy. Jeff and I decided a date was in order. And this is how the blog came to be. Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged. In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do. 2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy. Drunk? Nope. Buzzed? Perhaps. Happy and loose lipped? Definitely.
It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week. Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date. Do I miss my family? More than I can say. Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there? Far too many to count. But I really can't complain about life right now. It's pretty sweet. And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....
The title references words from my loving husband's lips last night. On the evening of November 6, 2011 Jeff and I had our first date of our married life. This does, of course, exclude the honeymoon which was, in actuality, one long extended date. However, since returning on September 26 it has been nothing but business. Trying to find work, packing up my old apartment, and once work had been found...working...like crazy.
While working like crazy I've realized that somewhere in this past year I've started to grow up. I mean...really grow up. I got married...I'm a (step)mommy...and there is even the talk of another little one (JUST TALK...for now). The whole growing up thing is actually kind of fun...which is a thought that somewhat scares me. Honestly I was pretty sure that I'd never grow up so the thought of actually enjoying growing up...YIKES! It both scares and makes me feel super nostalgic about my own childhood and family.
I love working with kids. I may be working 10 hour days with an hour commute, but I come home happy still. Do I come home tired or annoyed or frustrated? Of course. But I'm still happy. I love the kids I work with and for. And the daycare center is amazing. And each and every day working with the kids I realize how important growth is. How sacred each stage of life is...which makes growing up that much more painful.
Here's why. The kids are a constant reminder of how quickly life goes. Last night's date also served to drive that point home. Jeff and I have been married for almost 2 months...but it feels like it was yesterday. And forever ago at the same time...if that makes any sense. Anyway...point here is that life IS in the details. It's in the small day to day things that our lives happen. It's sharing a ridiculous and inane joke or morning rituals of showering and laughter. These are the moments that make life...well...life. And these are the moments that you miss when you live far away from family. You only hear the BIG things...things that force a change...and a BIG change at that. Not the small, tiny little changes that occur every second of every day.
These little kids master a color and it's like...the way they look at me...it's truly priceless. Getting to watch that on a daily basis and finally being a part of that growth at home with the (step)son is a feeling that I can't describe. And it's in this happiness that I find myself miserable some days.
My parents are missing out on being grandparents. They don't get to watch Malcolm count and recognize numbers. They don't get to see Jeff and I for dinner just because. The inside jokes that I shared with my sister get less funny every day. If only for the fact that they aren't shared.
Perhaps miserable was a bit of an overstatement. Not miserable...sad. Nostalgic definitely. Reading books with Malcolm or my class reminds me of every morning before school when my mother would read to us as we ate breakfast. Counting with them reminds me of trying to master multiplication with my dad at the dining room table.
This weekend, after a 40+ workweek and no sleep for 3 days, I broke down sobbing cause I missed my mommy. Jeff and I decided a date was in order. And this is how the blog came to be. Cocktails were 1/2 off at the sushi place last night so Jeff and I splurged. In keeping with the growing up theme...I learned last night that I can no longer drink...since I never do. 2...yes 2...drinks in I was super happy. Drunk? Nope. Buzzed? Perhaps. Happy and loose lipped? Definitely.
It was a well deserved date night and a great way to begin a week. Now as I zone out to TV with the husband laying his head on my back I'm realizing how happy I am to be a grown up cheap date. Do I miss my family? More than I can say. Are there moments when I still look to the passenger seat half expecting Caitlyn to be sitting there? Far too many to count. But I really can't complain about life right now. It's pretty sweet. And there are some definite perks to being grown up....like actually getting to be a bride instead of playing dress up....
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
All I Want is My Mommy
Mood: exhausted
There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do. Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of. And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.
Here's what went down. He got himself in trouble on the playground. While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically. As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source. I squatted and asked if he was okay. He was not. He missed his mommy. I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy. There was not. I told him I would be there if he changed his mind. He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."
It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too. And it hit me hard.
It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at. I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility. I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day. I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out. Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office. So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.
And I could not be more in love with the stepson. Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.
Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more. There are big things happening right now. And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things. We can't meet for lunch if we have time. I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.
When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded. It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals. He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted. I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away. "How far away?" Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away. He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."
I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away. An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.
It sucks to grow up. There are some really awesome perks. Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better. Having a (step)son? Can't even describe how awesome it is. Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...
I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids. And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia. And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier. And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family. And especially my Mommy sometimes. Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy. The little boy knew this. And I knew this. And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore.
There are few things that change your perspective on the world the way that the words of children do. Most times, I learn lessons I've learned a million times...but desperately need to be reminded of. And sometimes...I get called a "lying poopyhead" for sympathizing with a child who was having some severe missing Mommy issues.
Here's what went down. He got himself in trouble on the playground. While he was in his "time to think" time-out he started crying hysterically. As a childcare worker (or parent or anyone near a child) when you hear that sound you immediately go to the source. I squatted and asked if he was okay. He was not. He missed his mommy. I asked if after he was done with his "thinking time" we could do something fun while we waited for his mommy. There was not. I told him I would be there if he changed his mind. He just looked at me, stopped crying and said, "all I want is my mommy."
It hit me at that moment that that's all I want right now too. And it hit me hard.
It's not that I'm not happy where I'm at. I actually am really liking childcare in a licensed facility. I definitely miss the autonomy that came with being a Director of Christian Ed...and the paycheck (though I'm not TOO far behind where I was...) but I love working hands on with the kids all day. I LIVED for Wednesday nights when the kids and I got to hang out. Or the days kids would randomly drop into my office. So it's a nice change of pace, even if I don't have much control over my work environment and no control over hours or dress.
And I could not be more in love with the stepson. Or Jeff and the whole being married thing.
Perhaps it's all the happiness that made me miss my Mommy that much more. There are big things happening right now. And while she was there for the beginning...she doesn't get to see the mundane day-to-day things. We can't meet for lunch if we have time. I can't curl up next to her on the couch with a glass of wine and crappy tv.
When I told the little boy that I just wanted my Mommy too, he nodded. It's a universal feeling, I think, to always want the comfort associated with mommies and daddies and home and blankies and stuffed animals. He looked at me with his tear stained cheeks and pitifully moaned that I could go see my mommy whenever I wanted. I said that I, in fact, could not since my mommy lived far away. "How far away?" Since the kid is 4 and Pennsylvania or east coast isn't a valid response, I told him that my mommy lived a whole 2 day drive away. He thought about it for a second...and then said "no she doesn't you lying poopyhead."
I told him he could keep thinking about talking and playing nicely and walked away. An hour later I was on the phone with my mom.
It sucks to grow up. There are some really awesome perks. Getting married was fantastic and being married is even better. Having a (step)son? Can't even describe how awesome it is. Being able to enjoy a glass of wine or choose my own bedtime (early tonight) is also great...
I can't help but feel nostalgic about my childhood working with kids. And missing my mom...that's just part of the nostalgia. And having a cool Mommy (something else I discussed with this boy) make missing her a little suckier. And having all these big life changes, even the boring little ones...it's hard to be away from family. And especially my Mommy sometimes. Nobody rubs a back or soothes crying quite like a Mommy. The little boy knew this. And I knew this. And I also know that I'll be okay...because I'm not going this alone anymore.
(this picture was mommy performing the Celtic salt ceremony...which we did instead of a unity candle...at our wedding)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What A Difference A Day Makes
Mood: blessed
Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights. Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time. And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme. I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work. From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown. In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy. Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food). Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv. She'd even rub my back.
To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa. The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.
Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself. Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.
Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun. That's a huge understatement. The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.
Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight. It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain. I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet. And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.
One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm. Always. Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.
Tonight is no different. I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year. Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas. I'm still anxious. I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband. And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night. I get to get ready for work with him. Laugh with him. Pack lunches next to each other.
I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger. They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible. And Caitlyn continued that until last year.
It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday. Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........
I hope you all had a great weekend. And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.
Have a happy Monday!
Since I was a little girl I've hated Sunday nights. Most people do, the end of the weekend isn't exactly a happy time. And since it's me Sunday nights used to be...extreme. I would spend hours bawling about having to go back to school/work. From the moment I woke up I would start the gut wrenching countdown. In 5th grade my therapist suggested doing something, as a family, that both soothed me and made me happy. Some Sundays we would go out or order in Chinese (my eternal comfort food). Other Sundays Mommy would pop popcorn, pile on the couch with me, and watch tv. She'd even rub my back.
To be honest, the couch and tv routine continued until I moved to Iowa. The last job I held in Pennsylvania become a constant source of anxiety and Sunday nights became watching Jonas (juvenile? indeed. comforting...insanely) night with Mommy and Caitlyn.
Now that I'm an adult I've had to figure out ways to keep the anxiety level at a minimum for myself. Without relying on Daddy to pick up the tab at the Chinese restaurant or Mommy to give up time with her husband to watch the Disney channel with me or Caitlyn to finger dance and host light switch raves to make me laugh.
Jeff and I had to say goodbye to the son tonight, and that's never fun. That's a huge understatement. The whole ordeal of saying goodbye is utterly depressing.
Given my current state of depression, I was really worried about tonight. It's a crappy feeling to walk away from the son...and I hate watching Jeff go through that pain. I'm facing my first full week of full-time work at a job I'm not familiar or comfortable with yet. And...as I stated earlier...I'm already feeling depressed.
One of my very favorite things about Jeff is that he keeps me calm. Always. Of course I get anxious or depressed around him, but it's never to the extent that I feel like it's impossible to manage.
Tonight is no different. I've spent the last hour coloring a prayer for the upcoming year. Jeff and I have settled in front of the tv with drinks (rum and tropical fruit juice for the husband...shiraz for me) and we're enjoying our Sunday night dramas. I'm still anxious. I'm still not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning...but I know it'll be okay because I get to wake up next to my husband. And since we're working the same hours this week...I get to run errands with him (and maybe grab dinner out!!!!) tomorrow night. I get to get ready for work with him. Laugh with him. Pack lunches next to each other.
I don't want this post to diminish the role that my family played when I was younger. They did everything they could to make Sunday nights as painless as possible. And Caitlyn continued that until last year.
It's just...with marriage...the knowledge that I get to do EVERYTHING with somebody by my side, no exceptions, it's so soothing and calming that it's hard to get too worked up about going back to work on a Monday. Besides, I won't get comfortable with this new job unless I'm there to work it...and Christmas is coming........
I hope you all had a great weekend. And that you find something to make you feel as blessed as I do lounging in front of our (brand new awesome 36" LCD....loooooooooove wedding presents) television.
Have a happy Monday!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sometimes Everything is Wrong...
Mood: ....now it's time to sing along.......everybody hurtssssssss
Spoiler: the title is emo...the post is not.
It's been one of those days. Well, to be honest...it's been one of those days for a little over a week now. You know those days. The ones where nothing goes wrong, nothing catastrophic happens, nothing really noteworthy at all occurs...in fact some good things happen, and there are some happy moments...but you still just feel...meh? Yeah, those days.
I find these days incredibly frustrating. Having lived with depression for nearly 17 years I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with my body. I can feel myself starting to slip into a funk...and I get so annoyed when I know that's what's happening...but there's absolutely no reason behind it. At all.
Let's start with last weekend...when the nagging feeling of not being okay set in. The husband was on call, so we started Saturday by heading in to his office. He stayed pretty busy all day but we managed to do some grocery shopping (which for some reason I find delightful) and had a pretty good day. Sunday...slow day at work so we baked together. Jeff really wanted to try the rum cake from the Caribbean (daddy yours will be on the way soon!) but because of the dairy allergy was unable to. He researched recipes until he found one without any dairy and we decided to test it. Can I just tell you how amazing it tasted and how much fun it was to bake as a couple?
Sunday ended with the season premiere of The Walking Dead and we followed that by our new obsession, Homeland. It was an amazing end to the weekend.
Monday I got a job. Major yay! since I was starting to seriously freak out about not having one...and interviews weren't even being offered anymore. Wednesday the husband and I headed to the old apartment and emptied it. Well...he emptied it and I cleaned/packed. It feels awesome to have that done and not over my head anymore. I'm so happy to have all my things (okay most of my things) in one place.
Thursday I started the job. Last night we got the boy.
I woke up this morning to a discussion between Jeff and Malcolm about autobots and something unknown and undecipherable...all I know is that I woke up feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. To have two boys in bed with me that I love...it's a feeling I honestly have no words for. From there the day went a bit askew....but picked up again.
Malcolm and Mom and Daddy played. We all shot each other. We ran around outside. We watched Optimus Prime defeat evil once again...
So...
Why am I still upset? Why do I have this constant feeling of being unsettled and unhappy and...anxious?
I have a few ideas. And some concrete things that are upsetting...but nothing that would warrant depression. My life is pretty damn good right now. I couldn't be happier with married life. I have the BEST time baking and watching tv with Jeff. Work is chaotic...but I love working with kids and I'm honestly just grateful to be employed once again. Jeff and I get to spend this weekend and next weekend with the boy. I'm eating healthier. I'm staying active. I'm honestly insanely blessed and happy.
I know this. I acknowledge this. And I still feel...like crap.
The REALLY crappy thing about feeling so unsettled and generally sad for no reason...is that you know you're sad for NO REASON. Which makes you feel worse for feeling bad when you know you shouldn't feel bad...
It's a nasty little cycle.
I'm taking my meds. I'm writing. I colored today. I'm talking to Jeff.
But the depression is settling...at least for now.
So here's what I promise to myself: I'll continue to deal with the sadness and the uneasiness the only way I know how...to move forward one foot at a time and to keep looking for the good things...no matter how small or how simple (like wearing a purple scarf to stand united against bullying, ignorance, and intolerance)...
Spoiler: the title is emo...the post is not.
It's been one of those days. Well, to be honest...it's been one of those days for a little over a week now. You know those days. The ones where nothing goes wrong, nothing catastrophic happens, nothing really noteworthy at all occurs...in fact some good things happen, and there are some happy moments...but you still just feel...meh? Yeah, those days.
I find these days incredibly frustrating. Having lived with depression for nearly 17 years I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with my body. I can feel myself starting to slip into a funk...and I get so annoyed when I know that's what's happening...but there's absolutely no reason behind it. At all.
Let's start with last weekend...when the nagging feeling of not being okay set in. The husband was on call, so we started Saturday by heading in to his office. He stayed pretty busy all day but we managed to do some grocery shopping (which for some reason I find delightful) and had a pretty good day. Sunday...slow day at work so we baked together. Jeff really wanted to try the rum cake from the Caribbean (daddy yours will be on the way soon!) but because of the dairy allergy was unable to. He researched recipes until he found one without any dairy and we decided to test it. Can I just tell you how amazing it tasted and how much fun it was to bake as a couple?
Sunday ended with the season premiere of The Walking Dead and we followed that by our new obsession, Homeland. It was an amazing end to the weekend.
Monday I got a job. Major yay! since I was starting to seriously freak out about not having one...and interviews weren't even being offered anymore. Wednesday the husband and I headed to the old apartment and emptied it. Well...he emptied it and I cleaned/packed. It feels awesome to have that done and not over my head anymore. I'm so happy to have all my things (okay most of my things) in one place.
Thursday I started the job. Last night we got the boy.
I woke up this morning to a discussion between Jeff and Malcolm about autobots and something unknown and undecipherable...all I know is that I woke up feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. To have two boys in bed with me that I love...it's a feeling I honestly have no words for. From there the day went a bit askew....but picked up again.
Malcolm and Mom and Daddy played. We all shot each other. We ran around outside. We watched Optimus Prime defeat evil once again...
So...
Why am I still upset? Why do I have this constant feeling of being unsettled and unhappy and...anxious?
I have a few ideas. And some concrete things that are upsetting...but nothing that would warrant depression. My life is pretty damn good right now. I couldn't be happier with married life. I have the BEST time baking and watching tv with Jeff. Work is chaotic...but I love working with kids and I'm honestly just grateful to be employed once again. Jeff and I get to spend this weekend and next weekend with the boy. I'm eating healthier. I'm staying active. I'm honestly insanely blessed and happy.
I know this. I acknowledge this. And I still feel...like crap.
The REALLY crappy thing about feeling so unsettled and generally sad for no reason...is that you know you're sad for NO REASON. Which makes you feel worse for feeling bad when you know you shouldn't feel bad...
It's a nasty little cycle.
I'm taking my meds. I'm writing. I colored today. I'm talking to Jeff.
But the depression is settling...at least for now.
So here's what I promise to myself: I'll continue to deal with the sadness and the uneasiness the only way I know how...to move forward one foot at a time and to keep looking for the good things...no matter how small or how simple (like wearing a purple scarf to stand united against bullying, ignorance, and intolerance)...
Monday, October 17, 2011
To My Husband...
Mood: in love...
Warning: the following post will be sappy.
Husband -
Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.
Happy anniversary!
I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you. Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural. I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life. I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it. I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me. I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand. How you hold me when we sleep. I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.
But you already know these things.
In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know. I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once: a lot gets said!
What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all). Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling. Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic. Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).
I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work. How I still get first date butterflies sometimes. I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky. How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.
On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...
I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.
You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.
I love you so much husband!
Thank you for loving me.
Happy one month!
Wifey
Warning: the following post will be sappy.
Husband -
Today is our one month anniversary, annnnnnnd because we're super awesome...it happens to be the seven month anniversary of our first date.
Happy anniversary!
I could tell you how I knew on our second date that I wanted to marry you. Watching Paul with you, laughing, holding your hand...it all felt so natural. I could tell you that meeting your son for the first time was one of the most humbling moments of my entire life. I could tell you how I fell in love with your smile the second I saw it. I could tell you that you are always a gentleman and I love that you always open doors for me. I could tell you that I love how you always reach for my hand. How you hold me when we sleep. I could tell you how I will never get tired of the look you get in your eyes when you look at me (even if I'm singing!) and I'll always love the way we can hold 5 conversations at once.
But you already know these things.
In reality there is very little that I can write here that you don't know. I suppose that's a byproduct of having 5 conversations at once: a lot gets said!
What I'll write here instead is that this past month has been without a doubt some of the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. Our wedding could not have been more perfect (even with it getting moved indoors and all). Seeing our families together and knowing we had the support there was such a humbling and truly amazing feeling. Taking my first adult vacation with a significant other as our honeymoon was fantastic. Being on water with you for 5 days just relaxing, sitting on our deck talking, walking around the islands...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect honeymoon (thanks mom and dad CB!!!).
I'll write how I still get excited when I know you're on your way home from work. How I still get first date butterflies sometimes. I'll tell you how sometimes I lie awake in bed listening to you breath deeply and wonder how I got this insanely lucky. How I love every single thing about you, how I know some of your past, and I trust in all of our future.
On the one month anniversary of the day we said "I do," I want you to know that I cannot wait to see what next month brings, and the month after that, and the year after that...
I look forward to waking up next to you each morning and I can't wait till we're cuddled up in front of the tv watching our shows before bed.
You are by no means a perfect man, but you couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know what our future holds...but I promise you that it will be full of laughs, awesome tv shows, maybe zombies, and definitely happiness.
I love you so much husband!
Thank you for loving me.
Happy one month!
Wifey
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